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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Shared Decision Making for Breast Cancer Patients

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Patient Doctor Consultation with Decision Services Representative on hand
Patient Doctor Consultation with Decision Services Representative on hand

In today’s Wall St. Journal there is an article on the Decision Services offered at my wife’s breast cancer clinic, the Carol Franc Buck Breast Cancer Center at UCSF: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203674704574328570637446770.html#articleTabs%3Darticle

Decision Services is a great resource when you are overwhelmed with all the information and emotions when first diagnosed. At the time I thought nothing of the services. Now that I look back on it, the resources and advice for helping to manage our experience were invaluable:

– My wife and I watched many DVDs, pamphlets and other articles together,
– Prepared countless questions for our visits
– Reviewed stats together
– Went over online research made available to us
– Reviewed our notes of our meetings and prepared follow up questions

In this information age, services like this are so important to have. Patients have so many questions and thoughts running through their head that they sometimes miss what is being said to them, forget to ask the questions that they wanted to ask and feel frustrated and left out. Many times my wife would hear one thing and I would hear another. We’d just review the notes taken by the notetaker and we’d have our discussion resolved. I could even use this in my everyday life.

The service provided interns who took great notes during our visits before, during and after our visits to make sure we understood everything that was said in our visits and to help us get more informed answers from my wife’s doctors. We often submitted laundry lists of questions before each visit and they were prepared with their answers before we came in for each appointment. We all know how we forget what they tell us during those visits because we are so worried, but they provided great notes from our appointments.

Yes, that is my wife featured in the article’s photos.

As we reach the aage of health reform in the US, services like these will become more invaluable as we help put some control back in the care of the patients. There are many early adopters of such services such as the Palo Alto Medical Foundation, The Wellness Community, the Mendocino Cancer Resource Center, Breast Cancer Connections, the Humboldt Community Breast Health Project, and (abroad) the Edinburgh Cancer Centre.

The entire team at the Breast Care Center, led by Laura Esserman, is blazing new trails in health care. Check out https://www.breastcancertrials.org/bct_nation/home.seam and http://www.athenacarenetwork.org/ for other innovations from this group!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Beauty at a Dark Time

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You make me want to lose myself in the mysterious distance between a man and a woman – U2 (A Man and a Woman)

Blossoms at Yerba Buena Gardens
Blossoms at Yerba Buena Gardens

The skies were dark and ominous this morning as I drove to work.  As it started to sprinkle I noticed the trees along the sidewalks had started to bloom.  The cherry blossoms along Japantown looked gorgeous and popped against the gray skies.  They had a strong glow about them.  Maybe they had been glowing for a couple weeks and I hadn’t noticed them until we got our first storm clouds of the year.  It is amazing how such beauty shines through even more at the darkest of times. 

These are curious times in the economy and everyone seems to be more on edge than normal.  You might say there are dark clouds everywhere, and not just in the sky.  I even overheard a homeless man here in San Francisco today tell a lady that he was better off than her because he didn’t have a mortgage or rent to pay.  So true that we should get heckled by homeless people now.  My own company has had layoffs and no matter who you are these days, people are worried abour their jobs.  I hear it, see it and feel it.  Even though I had an outstanding year there was still a nervousness going over my weekly call.  In reality, I had nothing to worry about, but in these times you never know (and one of my colleagues was actually let go today).

Despite all of this I still manage to slow down and smell the roses.  Or in this case I was looking for the analogy to my drive to work.  Was I capable of finding the cherry blossoms in my life against the dark sky?  It made me think about some of the stories I’ve read recently as well as my own.  The story of Chad Moutray and his daughter who now must move on with each other and their memories of their wife and mother.  They are each other’s cherry blossoms.  Last year despite all of the surgeries and doctor’s appointments, my wife’s beauty just showed brighter than ever to me.  I don’t think it has shone brighter and it has been there all the time.  We’ve known each otherfor over half our lives, but sometimes the dust gathers like it does on a lightbulb and you need to wipe it off and you suddenly realize that 60-watt light bulb is really 100 watts. I think in hard times like this the dust comes flying off and that dark room is radiated by the beauty that exists.

My wife had her oncology appointment and monthly shot today.  It was a little painful this time she relayed to me.  The O/S pellet they shoot in to here is something she’ll have to get used to and hopefully the side effects will lessen.  The wait is still what kills her as they were running 2 hours late.  Good thing I gave her a bunch of magazines for the waiting room.  There were no reports on her ability to metabolize Tamoxifen yet, but the side effects seem to indicate that she is okay with Tamoixfen and her cholesterol seems to be declining.  My wife loves to go into details running through her lab reports and every last minute of conversation she had with her nurses.  I laugh at her that it is more painful to me to hear her detailed reenactments of the day than to get a needle poked into me.  Listening to her get a shot is almost as bad for a guy like me who is squeamish about needles.

The day before, she had her meeting with her plastic surgeon to go over any adjustments she is going to need in March.  It was one of the appointments I missed because I was traveling.  Of course she forgot to mention the ONE thing I wanted her to speak about and we laughed.  Same old wife…she doesn’t listen to her husband.  Maybe that is what keeps her young!

In the end, the day came out beautiful.  I was able to get home and see my kids for the first time in a few days.  Additionally despite the very mundane conversation I had a chance to spend some time with my cherry blossom in my life.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Getting the Best out of Yourself

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Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
Albert Einstein

The quote above to me is so poignant. I truly believe though that it must become second nature to be a man or woman of value and you need to instill that from within.

I still remember the day that I almost lost my dad back in July of 1996. He suffered a heart attack and his heart stopped beating, but the doorman at the Fairmont Hotel broke into his car and started his heart beating. My father remained in a coma for two weeks (yes during the Atlanta Olympic Games) before coming out of it. My father suffered some brain damage (loss of oxygen to the brain) which caused him the loss of short term memory and often caused him to lose orientation of what year it was. It was almost like Alzheimers except some new memories were created and he only forgot the things that didn’t matter to him.

My mother refused to put him in a home and acted as his primary caregiver for the next 10 years. Although he was never the same person again, I am so happy that his near death kick-started me into having a family and grandchildren that he got to meet and know. He continued to to teach me new lessons even then.

One of those was that my dad lost his ability filter his thoughts. He did not hold back his feelings about things, people or situations. Just imagine if you just started telling everyone what you thought of them. Well, my dad was pure. He smiled at people he didn’t recognize and even at people I thought he didn’t care for. Later I would ask who they were and he said, “I thought you knew”. When my mom would drag him to flower shows I’d ask him how it was. He’d say it was really boring but my mom seemed to enjoy it. He never had a bad thing to say. He was just naturally a positive and gentle person. His illness was a truth serum that some couldn’t handle. We saw others with the same problem who became vicious towards family and friends. An old co-worker of his pulled me aside at his Life Celebration and said, “I knew your dad didn’t recognize me, but that twinkle in his eye and his smile were still the same. He made even strangers feel special.”

It really taught me to seek the kindness in others and to see things first with an eye towards the positive. We are often taught to be protective and cautious and I realize that can really hide the opportunities that you might be offered. There are never enough favors that you can give or thank yous that you can say. My dad was definitely a man of value. A man who valued the relationships and loves in his life so much that it was instinctive.

After a while it should just come naturally. I often hear about how people say how hard it must have been to take care of my wife during those days after surgery and those long weeks of waiting. I think my love for my wife made me her natural caregiver. I knew that it was just the thing to do. Put my fears and hopes aside to be all that I could for my wife. I think having been a caregiver for my dad those years, watching my mother care for her husband (yes they argued, but they loved each other), and then caring for my mother during her cancer gave me a little headstart in caregiving, but not much. The most inspiration though came from the relationship, the strong relationship, I have with my wife. They say your true colors come out when you have times of crisis. I think I showed myself my own true colors and I’m proud of what I saw.

I mention this because in the book I read, My Life with Laura, my friend Chad showed his true colors as well. Although he had only known his wife a few short years, his dedication showed the love of a lifetime. I have read stories about those who don’t get support from their husbands or family members during these times and I think that might just show a crack in the armour that had been there already. My wife and I have a few cracks especially when it comes to communication. And it definitely showed a bit when we had some intense moments, but our love was and is strong.

I know I’ve written about this before in bits and pieces, but I have to repeat these mantras occasionally. I listened to our new President’s speech about strength and fortitude and the need to test ourselves in the worst of times. Now is when I really am testing myself. I already see these next several months are going to be tough on me for different reasons than health.

In the end I just need to make sure that I find myself as a person of value and to instill that upon my life on a daily basis.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Mind Over Matter

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Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.  ~Winston Churchill

As most runners know, there are times when you hit the proverbial “wall”.  I’ve found that it doesn’t matter whether you are running one fast mile or 5 long ones, the wall is always there. Your body aches and screams for you to stop but it is your mind that powers you on.

In a way I have hit that wall in caring for my wife.  That tough edge has been hard to keep up lately.  I’m not giving up on her though.  In fact her strength is coming back and I’ve been able to let my guard down a bit and that has allowed me to move on a little bit.  i think she is showing me that strength again to let me know that I can go on too.  She has now started going on and doing her own research online.  It has relieved me from having to read some of the more tragic or difficult stories online.  I used to go on Breastcancer.org to find answers but lately she has found a few good friends with the same physicians and they have encouraged her, helped her to mentally get stronger to face her fears, and she is spending more time talking to other women online.

She still is fragile though.  I just got back from being away four days in Las Vegas at a convention.  It was very difficult to be away from her and to leave her with no back-up.  Our nightly calls were more about wondering if she was okay.  It was also about telling my 9-year old son to watch out and take care of his mom.  I’m hoping that I don’t scare him, but I see great maturity in him.  I always have see it since he was little baby.  He just had this “old sage soul” look about him.  At the same time he still has the other issues that little boys have, not cleaning up, not lifting the toilet seat, and not slowing down around the house.  All in all he’s a good kid though and I trust him immensely.  My favorite moment (you’ll see the relevance below) is when he was 7 and as an advanced reader had picked up an encyclopedia to look up the word embryo, a word he had heard on Animal Planet.  The next thing you know he is telling me that apes and humans are very simliar and that men have sperm and women have eggs, but they don’t lay them like chickens.  My daughter (5 at the time) stood behind her brother with her arms crossed and looking at me as if to say, “Hey, what’s the big idea?”  well let’s just say I don’t think I’ll ever have to have the bird and the bees talk with my chilldren ever.  Hopefully that is a fatherly chore that I won’t miss.

It has been 5 weeks now since my wife’s latest surgery and I have had a hard time honestly looking at her scars and even at her chest.  Tonight she wanted to start documenting and had me take a few photos of her reconstruction.  I was a little nervous.  It was the first chance for me to take a look.  It is hard for me to look at my beautiful wife with her scars and say that they look great only because I know she is able to sense any hesitation or trepidation in my voice.  It is still early and even she knows they aren’t quite ready to be looked at.  She is going to need to get some revisions as the original scars haven’t healed straight.  She will have a follow up appointment on March 23.  It should be an hour procedure. 

The hard part was that today the doctor called to make the appointment and our 9 year old son listened in on the other line when my wife was talking.  He later told my wife that he had listened.  He is really worried that his mother is going to have a third surgery and asked if she was going to be okay.  Our daughter caught on and told us that she thought we got rid of “mommy’s lump”.  We told them that just like we need to go to the doctor every year that mommy needs to go every month and that she was lucky that her doctors could spend so much time with her.  Listening to her talk to the children I realized she is getting stronger.  She doesn’t want them to worry.  She is even telling me she will just need local anaesthesia for the final surgery.  I would prefer general if it were me but she is game.  She told me she knows she can “handle it” .  I told her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea but she’s the strong one when it comes to blood and guts and told me I was getting soft and where was the guy who stripped her drains 4 months ago?  We had a good chuckle.

All this means to me is that my wife is almost fully back and I couldn’t be happier.  She’s taught me a lot about myself and our relationship over the past several months.  It has been painful and although there are times we wanted to give up, but somehow we’ve built the strength from each other and kept moving and pushed through that wall.  The aches and pains are still there but the goal line or finish line is still out there on the horizon. 

Life goes on and we’re traveling down the road together.  We’re helping each other out and making sure the other doesn’t give up and that we don’t give up on each other.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Hopes, Dreams, Fears – Life Is A Highway

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“Who’s Coming with Me?” – Jerry Maguire

My late night runs are not just about health and fitness.  Sometimes the runs are just a place for me to contemplate life and where it is taking me.  Usually it is about my dreams, hopes and fears.  My wife usually laughs at me because I come home sweating and also with a list of things that I think we should do or I’d like to do.

Fears – Right now I’m still fearing for my wife’s mortality.  I hope that she can get the next part of her surgery done.  She’s uncomfortable but not complaining.  The problem is we are stuck now as the doctors have her in limbo.  They say that getting time in the OR to complete surgery is going to take time.  We don’t have time as we’ve made lots of plans already  We’re all frustrated.  Tonight, just as I was about to go for a run I felt a twinge in my back.  There is a small lump on my hip (a hip pointer? cancer?)  Ackk, how can I even think of that?  I remember in college when my roommate died of cancer.  Every little bump on my body struck fear in me.  I have to check this out.  I fear leaving my children and wife alone.

Hopes and Dreams?  They all sit with my kids.  This week we elected our first black President.  To me, the President that our country was going to select was going to be a new direction no matter what.  As I went to the airport the day after the election, all I saw were smiling and hopeful faces.  People had hopes.  Very high hopes.  I’m sure those smiles might not have been as wide in some parts of the country, but I’m sure we are waiting for the next 8 weeks to move on and see what will happen.  My children are growing up in a great country and I want to give them every chance to laugh think and cry that I have. 

Again, as I ran tonight I dreamed.  Dreamed of traveling to far away places with my kids, dreamed of giving my daughter’s hand away in marriage, dreamed of attending a great sporting event with my son, and dreamed of seeing my wife happy and healthy.

Tomorrow is my highschool 25 year reunion.  My good friend said, well here we go down the second half of our life.  I told I don’t put my life in two halves.  I’m in my middle third.  The first third is growing, The second third is playing and the last third is reflecting and giving.  He laughed and said I was in denial.  I told him I was just living my life as I saw it.  I’m going to live my life as happily as I can.  Anyone coming with me?

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

The Last Day – Preparing for Breast Cancer Surgery

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“I’m with you, you’re stuck with me”

The day before surgery there is nothing else you can do.  I think I had more questions than my wife.  You just go through the procedures at the hospital and then learn about a million more things about the surgery.  The surgery is tomorrow at 7am.

We had three appointments today.  Good thing I went.  It was just a whole lot of information and stuff that you wouldn’t want to go through alone.  I was sitting there looking around in the waiting room noticing 20+ women by themselves and only two husbands.  I couldn’t imagine leaving my wife to do that without me there.  The first appointment at 9am was to get the blood work.  It was also a nice meeting with the anaesthesiologist and nurse practitioner.  It was a very calm and relaxing meeting in which we made sure there weren’t allergies or history of complications.  They give you a special soap to use the night before when you take a shower.  They also recommend no eating after midnight and to take an Adavan before you go to bed and when you wake in the morning to take the edge off.  When we get there they will give you a cocktail to get you drowsy and then make some markings on your body where the surgery will be.

The will then take her to surgery where she will be given Propaphal (sp?) which has basically replaced the truth serum anasthesia that they used to give.

At 11am we had our quickest appointment of the day, the visit with the nuclear medicine team.  They injected her directly where the cancer is with a radioactive injection that will will follow her drainage to her sentinel lymph nodes.  This is so the surgeon can use a Geiger counter type of device to find the nodes and take them away for a pathology study.  Within 15 minutes they will know if there is anything in those initial nodes and if they will have to take more nodes.  This nuclear medicine has a half life of 6 hours so must be done the day of or the day before the surgery.

At 1pm we got the final meeting out of the way.  The pre-op appointment with the head nurse.  It was informative including drainage information, pillows to take home, samples of the expanders that will be inserted and finally samples of saline and silicone breast implants.  Pretty amazing I must say.  I think I had more questions than my wife, but the advice was all good.  One Big piece of knowledge.  My wife’s surgery is called “A Total Skin Sparing Mastectomy” , so there you have it.

A couple of good reminders:  No ice to reduce swelling!  Observe the 90 degree rule and not raise your arms above your head, and don’t worry about showering for a couple days after you get home.  Also, you are allowed to take Tylenol with Adavan.

It was a draining day and despite all our preparation, we learned so much more.  There is an information overload going on and my mind is racing.  Fortunately she is already asleep.  Tomorrow will be a big day for both of us.  I just hope I don’t forget anything last minute!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Stand Up 2 Cancer (4 days to go) – Final meeting with Reconstruction Surgeon

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“Be your own miracle”

– From “Stand Up” by Beyonce Knowles

Four days to go and the reminders seem to be all around us.  There were women walking in all shades of pink around the city in their Walk against Breast Cancer.  Our daughter asked why mommy was waiving at them,  “Because I am one of them and they are walking for me”, she said.  Then tonight was a major event for the organization Standup2cancer.org.   I think it was a landmark event.  It took just an hour but it was a fundraiser to bring ALL cancer research together.  Some crazy stats:

  • Cancer takes so many forms and one person in America dies from cancer every minute.  
  • Every other person in this world will have some form of cancer 
  • 500,000 Americans will die of cancer this year (1500 each day)

I actually watched the show alone as it was uplifting to the point of shedding a tear.  My wife is going through so many emotions right now we agreed to Tivo it and let her just watch it after the surgery.

I also didn’t go with my wife to her last meeting with the reconstruction surgeon.  I just thought it better that she ask her own questions and give her my questions on paper (of course she didn’t ask them).  I mostly worried about her balance and how steady she might be although I know most people are walking around the next day.  He had some good recommendations about relieving the pain and making sure not to let the drains hang too low as that is why they are painful.  He said that ticket holders (hey my profession comes in handy) are great to put them in  so they don’t pull on your skin.  He also said that the tissue expanders aren’t as painful as some people think.   It was a relatively short meeting so I think it came out okay.  My wife had a few other personal questions about the recovery but the doctor seems to have given her all the right answers or at least the ones she wanted to hear.  He told her that most of his work would be done two weeks after the surgery and just to watch under the bandages for any swelling or infections (redness).

At the end of the day we are exhausted once again, but it always is nice to catch up.  It has become our daily ritual to check in with each other and see where we are mentally.  She’s still a bit anxious, but more anxious to get this cancer out of her body and move on.  Me, I feel like I’ve been managing the emotions of two people and she knows that.  I told her that I’d rather be on the table next Tuesday unconscious because I don’t think I can spend 5 hours waiting around.  I’ll need to buy a new pair of running shoes.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Skin-Sparing Mastectomy – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“Inspiration comes in many forms.  Let’s keep our eyes open.” – Today’s email to my wife

Actually something less formal like “Keep on Truckin'” might have been a more appropriate word of the day as we headed into this Labor Day weekend.  We are both working the late shift getting major projects done and trying to keep our lives as hectic (normal) as possible.  We still keep getting the “How are you doing” phone calls which we politely respond to, but then have to cut short not only because we are so tired of telling everyone, but also because we have so much to do before the surgery.

The surgery itself is fairly new but even moreso is the reconstruction.  The following photos from Breastcancer.org describes the basic procedure:

Skin-Sparing Surgery Image from Breastcancer.org
Skin-Sparing Surgery Image from Breastcancer.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A pink line indicates “keyhole”–like incision

B pink highlighted area indicates tissue removed at mastectomy

The major difference for my wife is that the “A” incision will be done above the nipple and not around the nipple thus sparing the nipple as well.  We were told that this can only be done if the nipple has not yet been exposed to the cancer as some tissue is left around the nipple.  This is a surgery more recommended for women who are early stage.  My wife was also told that she did not have enough tissue from other parts of her body to pull from her tummy or her back shoulders so this was probably the best way if she wanted reconstruction.  Each side takes an additional 45 minutes.

Many husbands might be adverse to the feel etc of implants, but for me I think this is the woman’s choice.  Many believe that reconstruction will best leave them with a mental state that will help them adjust to life after cancer.  This is truly the woman’s decision and I think that every spouse or significant other should try to stay out of the reconstructive decision and not pressure their spouse to do it.  While I wanted my wife to choose reconstruction, I feel better that it is her choice that she made and fully understand her reasoning.  I also think the doctors believe it is the right decision for her and she is making it for the right reasons.

I know some people might  think I’m full of baloney on this, but one of most inspiring stories I ever witnessed was that of Dave Dravecky, the SF Giants pitcher who lost his arm to cancer.  I happened to attend that game when he lost his arm.  I heard it snap.  I cried for him and still cry when he comes back for Giants reunion games. It wasn’t just any arm , but a million dollar arm that earned him a living.  Did he choose to wear a prosthesis? No.  He says sometimes he still dreams that his arm is still there.  But that is not the end of Dave’s story.  he has gone on with his life as a pitching coach and inspirational speaker for those not only diagnosed with cancer, but those he need to be inspired even when they lose something so important and identifiable as who they are.

While my wife’s chest is not the same as a pitcher’s arm, for her it is part of her identity internally.  Only she knows that and there is no way I will be able to relate to that.

At the same time, my wife is wondering how I can be so unselfish about this.  She has always laughed about my infatuation with the human drama of sports.  I do have a bit of a ridiculous man-crush on my idols, Jerry Rice and Joe Montana and she never got it.  I often told her the story of Dave Dravecky and his inspirational life.  She never got it until now.  Now she knows how I feel about her.  Things do come full circle and our inspiration can come from many places and might have been with us all along.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Peace & Quiet – Creating a Calm Before the Storm (A Loving Fight with Cancer)

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“In peace, we shall find solitude and in solitude we shall find clarity.  In clarity we will gather the strength we need to succeed.”

Yesterday was abstinence day.  No talking about “it”.  We spent our first full day of not worrying about “it” or planning for “it” or thinking about “it”.  We needed a break and my wife was surprised at how easy it was to really immerse herself in life.  Kids, school, work, etc. all just seemed to be more rich. 

This morning I showed her the article on breastcancer.org which talk about how a positive disposition led to 25% less risk of cancer.  Kind of a silly article.  I’m sure more depressed people smoke and drink or have bad eating habits that are not good for you, but I don’t think it means that having a good disposition can heal you.  We do agree that when struck by such bad news that a negative attitude is not a fighting attitude.  There is no gain to our children in being depressed when hit with adversity.  Showing our children how we move through difficult times with a level head is one of the best lessons we can teach our children.

We still are monitoring our children daily for signs of stress and are keeping the conversations away from them.  We have decided that i will get them used to me or other people taking them to school so that they aren’t worried the day mommy goes into surgery and really won’t know until after it is over.  As for our social activity, we have been running ragged getting vacations and other things done as we feel like we might be limited in that way for the next several months.  But we aren’t social butterflies anyway so we have learned to start saying no to people and trying to keep our schedule pretty clear until the day of the surgery (actually the day before the surgery).  In fact people have been asking me how I can remain so calm.  I really can’t say that I am.  I’m still feeling tired during the day.  There is a layer deep inside me filled with adrenalin worrying about my wife.  I’m finding myself being tired everyday when I get home.

 I know this is a tangent, but we’ve been getting lots of inquiries about our surgery that my wife will be undergoing.  It appears that my wife’s skin-sparing mastectomy surgery is a little different.  I will be writing more about it tomorrow.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Mood Swings, MRI Results – Fighting Breast Cancer

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“It’s time to focus not only on the opportunity we have, but how we can improve.  It’s also a time to communicate openly”.

Every day brings new results, new problems, new hope, etc.  Every day we run into someone else we tell about the cancer and they offer their help.  It is also a time to spot the problems in your relationship.  The pychological impact of living with cancer is now starting to really creep into our relationship.

I hate myself sometimes.  How can I argue with my wife who is struggling with cancer and is about to face a key life event?  I want so much for her to be happy, but obviously this cancer is creating tension that strains the fabric of your relationship.  We have always noted our issues in our marriage, but in times of crisis, these small things get magnified.

Our basic problem is the same as everyone else.  You’ve seen the commercials where the husband and wife go shopping and asks for his choice on color for shoes, and other items and whatever he picks, she goes with the other?  Well that is our life in a nutshell.  To be honest I am okay with this on most matters of trivial decision-making.  In fact, I’m partly to blame as I’ve always been attracted to neurotic people.  My dad used to say “It hasn’t been easy” when asked about his marriage.  I’ve never wanted the storybook marriage,.  I want excitement, challenges, change, etc.  My wife has given me all of that and I find many of her quirks very endearing,  but these days my frustration is growing as I try to be helpful.  My wife is asking me which doctor she should go to and choosing the other one, asking me which reconstruction size she should try and going with the other one and on and on and on……I finally lashed out last night and told her that if she wanted to go this alone, then go right ahead.  I told her I was the one feeling like he was on an island and if she had a choice, then don’t ask me anymore.  I wasn’t sure if she was disagreeing with my choices or really choosing what she wanted.  I didn’t want her to choose the wrong one because it had become a habit to go with the other choice.  In the end, I didn’t need to be disagreed with, but rather just have her choose what she wanted.  I told her that this is no longer a game and that I can’t take the rejection along with the stress.  I’m here to provide support but not at the expense of being bashed against the rocks.

Was I being selfish?  Insensitive?  Fortunately my wife came around and apologized.  I told her this has to stop completely.  Not just now, but after 20 years of this, I was flat broken down.  We can’t be like this and revert back to our bad habits when we are faced with this life crisis.  We made up, but it made us both think.

I reminded her that we have to start dreaming again like we said we would do at the beginning.  Separate dreams, big dreams, long-term dreams would help us.  We also needed to work on eliminating some of our faults, our unnecessary habits, and other things which we waste our time and effort on each day.  It was just the contrarian in my wife.  She never rejects my thoughts maliciously.  She just always likes to see the other side of the coin. If my glass is half full, hers is half empty and vice versa.  Some say that we are perfect complements to each other.  Well sometimes being black and white isn’t always the best.  Being gray together helps bring the harmony.

Well we were at least dragged out of our despair with a great email this morning from her canecer surgeon.  She wrote that my wife’s MRI came back clear on her nodes and both breasts other than the cancer we’ve identified.  This increases the chances even more that my wife will not require any sort of chemo, radiation or other unlikely road bumps that will alter her recovery.  The last hurdle will be the final pathology of the cancer and the nodes which occurs post-surgery.  We’re almost there at the top of the mountain it seems and yet we haven’t even started to get our harnesses on.

We are now on a high again on that emotional roller coaster.  The energy is flowing for both of us.  we can now get back to work and focus on being productive in life, work, and our marriage for the next two weeks.