Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
Albert Einstein
The quote above to me is so poignant. I truly believe though that it must become second nature to be a man or woman of value and you need to instill that from within.
I still remember the day that I almost lost my dad back in July of 1996. He suffered a heart attack and his heart stopped beating, but the doorman at the Fairmont Hotel broke into his car and started his heart beating. My father remained in a coma for two weeks (yes during the Atlanta Olympic Games) before coming out of it. My father suffered some brain damage (loss of oxygen to the brain) which caused him the loss of short term memory and often caused him to lose orientation of what year it was. It was almost like Alzheimers except some new memories were created and he only forgot the things that didn’t matter to him.
My mother refused to put him in a home and acted as his primary caregiver for the next 10 years. Although he was never the same person again, I am so happy that his near death kick-started me into having a family and grandchildren that he got to meet and know. He continued to to teach me new lessons even then.
One of those was that my dad lost his ability filter his thoughts. He did not hold back his feelings about things, people or situations. Just imagine if you just started telling everyone what you thought of them. Well, my dad was pure. He smiled at people he didn’t recognize and even at people I thought he didn’t care for. Later I would ask who they were and he said, “I thought you knew”. When my mom would drag him to flower shows I’d ask him how it was. He’d say it was really boring but my mom seemed to enjoy it. He never had a bad thing to say. He was just naturally a positive and gentle person. His illness was a truth serum that some couldn’t handle. We saw others with the same problem who became vicious towards family and friends. An old co-worker of his pulled me aside at his Life Celebration and said, “I knew your dad didn’t recognize me, but that twinkle in his eye and his smile were still the same. He made even strangers feel special.”
It really taught me to seek the kindness in others and to see things first with an eye towards the positive. We are often taught to be protective and cautious and I realize that can really hide the opportunities that you might be offered. There are never enough favors that you can give or thank yous that you can say. My dad was definitely a man of value. A man who valued the relationships and loves in his life so much that it was instinctive.
After a while it should just come naturally. I often hear about how people say how hard it must have been to take care of my wife during those days after surgery and those long weeks of waiting. I think my love for my wife made me her natural caregiver. I knew that it was just the thing to do. Put my fears and hopes aside to be all that I could for my wife. I think having been a caregiver for my dad those years, watching my mother care for her husband (yes they argued, but they loved each other), and then caring for my mother during her cancer gave me a little headstart in caregiving, but not much. The most inspiration though came from the relationship, the strong relationship, I have with my wife. They say your true colors come out when you have times of crisis. I think I showed myself my own true colors and I’m proud of what I saw.
I mention this because in the book I read, My Life with Laura, my friend Chad showed his true colors as well. Although he had only known his wife a few short years, his dedication showed the love of a lifetime. I have read stories about those who don’t get support from their husbands or family members during these times and I think that might just show a crack in the armour that had been there already. My wife and I have a few cracks especially when it comes to communication. And it definitely showed a bit when we had some intense moments, but our love was and is strong.
I know I’ve written about this before in bits and pieces, but I have to repeat these mantras occasionally. I listened to our new President’s speech about strength and fortitude and the need to test ourselves in the worst of times. Now is when I really am testing myself. I already see these next several months are going to be tough on me for different reasons than health.
In the end I just need to make sure that I find myself as a person of value and to instill that upon my life on a daily basis.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Author Chad Moutray and his daughter Charlotte
I am proud today to host Chad Moutray, author of My Life With Laura: A Love Story, on my blog today. Chad is on a blog book tour to promote his book and this is his 6th stop to spend some time discussing his book. While the book details his courtship, wedding, family and then their battle with his wife’s breast cancer, I am going to focus on his efforts as a male caregiver as I am the only male on his book tour and I hope to shed some insight on “the other half” of breast cancer.
I’ve always said, Route 53 is a blog of my journey through life and while I say each of us has our own journey, we often run parallel with others for part of that road. Some of us drive fast along that road and others a little slower. These roads are what I call life stages and are created by life events. Chad and I have separately shared a life event as both of us became caregivers for our wives who had/have breast cancer. Unfortunately breast cancer seems to be all around us these days days (statistics say 1 in 8 U.S. women will have breast cancer in their lifetime). You might think nothing of it, but in Chad, I found someone who not only went the extra mile for his wife, but truly lays his soul out there for everyone to read in his book. Sadly, the book does not end happily as Chad’s wife lost a valiant battle.
In his book, Chad provides us with the often forgotten perspective on not only the fight against breast cancer, but the emotions surrounding the co-survivor or surviving spouse. As I read the book, I had to read it away from my wife as it was so easy to put myself in Chad’s shoes. His story could very easily have been my own. I hope that other men read it and think of how they would react or want to react if they were put in Chad’s shoes. Below is my interview with Chad about his book:
Route53: Chad, we’ve shared some chats and emails in recent months. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but first let me say that I didn’t know Laura, but have met many “Laura and Chads” over the past several months and am sorry about the loss of your wife and Charlotte’s mother.
Chad Moutray: Yes, sadly, there are too many people in our same situation. That is why I think that this book has been so well received. Thank you for your condolences for Laura’s passing.
Route53: Let’s first talk about the inspiration for the book. I know you say that this book was written for your daughter Charlotte so that she could read about her mom before the memories faded and maybe got a little distorted. As I read the book, I couldn’t help but see another purpose. This book was written for many and not just Charlotte. I read it as a place to put all your love and memories in a safe place so that you could move on. Maybe in a cathartic way. How much of this book would you say today (besides Charlotte) is this book for you, for others fighting the battle against cancer, for her family, and for her friends?
Chad Moutray: My original thoughts for the book were to help Charlotte better know her mother. In fact, the book in dedicated to her, who was two-years-old at the time that I started writing. (She is now almost four.) But after I started writing, several friends and family members told me that they wanted to read my book when it was finished. I had a log of pent-up demand, each of whom was anxious for my to publish my memoir so that they could read it. In that way, I began writing the book knowing that it could be read by many people, some of whom I did not know. Since its release, I have been proud of the fact that so many people have appreciated the book and have been inspired by Laura’s strength and faith in battling her breast cancer. Yes, I found that writing the book was therapeutic for me. In the months after Laura’s death, it gave me a project to work on during those quiet moments in the house. It also allowed me to reflect on the times that I spent with Laura, both good and bad, and more importantly, it provided me a forum to put my thoughts on paper. I would encourage anyone going through a loss to start writing, whether they make their words public or not.
Route53: For me, the hardest part of the book was reading Laura’s journal entry to you and about what she wanted for you and Charlotte. My wife felt close to doing the same thing so I felt like I was reading my wife’s own letter. When did you first read that entry and how much does it enter your mind to this day?
Chad Moutray: Men, of course, are taught to never read their girlfriend’s or wife’s journal, and I did not open them until after Laura’s death. I was surprised by many of her entries. She expressed her thoughts on daily life, her frustrations with motherhood and then in battling breast cancer, and her religious inspirations. Some of these entries were difficult for me to read. I was particularly touched by the letter that you cite, but mostly, I was surprised at its timing. She wrote about her desires for Charlotte and me after her death … but it was written over one year before she passed away at a time when the thought of this was far from most of our minds. While I did not read this letter until later, much of it sounded familiar, as she and I had discussed some of it in the months before her death.
Route53: Every woman who finds out she has breast cancer remembers the phone call or the doctor giving the diagnosis. I think husbands do remember too. I know I do and I know you do. I often get women who write me saying they wish their husband was as supportive and I always think that the moment you hear is when you know how you will be. You and I both took that step forward instead of back To what do you attribute your strength in the face of Laura’s battle with cancer? What made you the supporting husband that you were?
Chad Moutray: I would refer to two things. First, I remember my grandfather growing up. My grandma had a number of heart attacks and was often hospitalized. He remained a beacon of strength throughout her ordeals (despite the fact that she survives him by almost thirty years), and it left an indelible imprint for me on the role of the “man” in such situations. You are to be a “rock” – someone who everyone looks to for support. You can see much of this in my actions during this time. In public and in front of Laura, I was that “rock” even when I was privately hurting inside. Second, like Laura, I relied more and more on my faith, growing more spiritual as time progressed.
Route53: What would you say Laura’s battle with cancer taught you about yourself? Has it changed you or your actions at all?
Chad Moutray: It changed me forever. I am a different person today than before. Yes, life goes on, and it has for me. But, I have a different outlook, and I feel compelled to “give back” to the many people who were so helpful to us during our struggle. In some ways, the book also is my expression of this. I tried to write an honest book that showed the true challenges of battling cancer, and in that way, it appears to have helped or inspired some of the cancer families who have read it.
Route53: You mentioned that you hid your fears from Laura and when you did open up, she tried to protect you. I found the same with my wife. According to a US News and World Report story, they say the men who are successful in coping as breast cancer caregivers for their wife do two things: 1) Rather than try to be “fixers”, they lend an ear to help with coping and 2) They share everything together. What are your thoughts on that?
Chad Moutray: As the “rock” that I mentioned earlier, I never let Laura see my emotions. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake. Laura would have preferred that I had expressed myself more to her. Had I done that sooner, she might not have tried to protect me later.
Route53: As Laura’s primary caregiver, what were your main resources of information about Breast Cancer that you think would be helpful for other spouses?
Chad Moutray: I relied on information from books, handouts, and the Internet. Laura, to be honest, relied on these sources even more than I did. But, my most important source of information was the doctors themselves. I tried to go to as many of the doctors visits as I could. This allowed me to show my support for Laura, but it also ensured that I knew as much about her treatments and progress as she did. Sometimes, the doctors provided an enormous amount of information during a short visit, and she would often comment that it was good to have two sets of ears listening to it.
Route53: If you could pick one thing, what did someone do specifically for you, the caregiver, to help you through the year and half fight against breast cancer?
Chad Moutray: We had tremendous support from family and friends. Our church, for instance, was always there providing meals, rides, care for Charlotte, or someone to talk to. I cannot see how we would have been able to do all that we did without this support. In later months, we relied on lotsahelpinghands.com to post our needs, get volunteers, and communicate Laura’s progress. This was a godsend which helped ease the burden of caring for Laura at a time when her health continued to deteriorate.
Route53: When I read the book, I was amazed at all that you accomplished in just a year and half of cancer in your lives. Can you point to one moment or thing that you did that made you feel that you made Laura’s last days on this Earth richer and less painful?
Chad Moutray: Laura did not let cancer stop her from doing things, and our oncologist supported her in this. We went on a number of vacations, including to Aruba and two other beach trips in the summer of 2007. These trips were a lot of fun, and Laura looked forward to each one. She was also the type who put things on the calendar hoping that we might go to them. One of those was a wine tasting event at Mt. Vernon, George Washington’s home, in the fall of 2007. By that point, Laura was in a wheelchair, but she still wanted to go; we went on a double-date with another couple. It was our last date together, but one that I will never forget. (This story is not in the book.) She clearly life to the end.
Route53: Sometimes “bad husbands” who abandon their wives when they can’t handle the stress give men a bad name in the fight against breast cancer. Actually a 1999 Canadian Study called, “Marital Stability After Breast Cancer” found that there was no difference in divorce rates and separation when looking at similar groups of men with wives who had breast cancer and those who did not. Stories like yours obviously give men a better reputation. If you could give advice to other men (and wives) out there who are going through rough times in their battle, what would you tell them?
Chad Moutray: Life does not always go according to plan, and it is easy to say the cliche, “That is not what I signed up for” and call it quits. Laura and I met, fell in love, got married, and had a child; it was the typical life plan. But, then it changed, and life became difficult. Many of our friends went on to have second or even third babies, and Laura was secretly jealous of them. Cancer was not what she signed up for either. We were a young couple and kept hoping for a miracle. When things deteriorated, it was not easy; I prayed for patience, and I was stretched thin. To be honest, though, I never considered abandoning Laura. After she passed away, several women came up to me and told me how impressed they were that I stayed with Laura until the end. The comment surprised me. I loved my wife, and Laura and Charlotte needed me too much.
Route53: Last, please give us an update on Charlotte and your state of mind. Have you fully been able to move on? Now that it has been over a year, have you seen any emotional scars for Charlotte?
Chad Moutray: Laura will always be in my mind. Charlotte will guarantee that; in addition to being Laura’s daughter, she looks exactly like Laura. Such a constant reminder makes it difficult at times. Yet, life moves on. Writing the book helped a lot, and after several months, I began to date again. This was awkward at first, but easier now. It helped that Laura was so insistent that I move on and find someone nice to help raise Charlotte (even to the point of trying to set me up); the fact that she said this to so many people made it easier for others to accept my dating, as well. As far as Charlotte, she is adjusting to full-time daycare and is doing okay. She still talks about her mother and can tell you that her mother died from cancer … but has no idea what cancer is. Someday, I hope that she enjoys my book and learns about how fun her mother was and how strong she was.
Route53: Chad, once again, thank you, Laura, and Charlotte for sharing your story with all of us. I know that I have found much empathy and inspiration from your story. Chad’s book can be purchased here: http://www.lulu.com/content/1828195
Please continue to follow the blog book tour by following this link to the schedule:
Every book means something different for each person. Although my wife suffers from breast cancer, I read it as a love story. Even the parts about cancer were about love for me. Below is an excerpt from an email I shared with Chad after finishing his book. I hope you all find his book as inspiring as it was for me:
I just wanted to let you know that I finished the book. I admit that I did not feel comfortable reading anything after your eulogy as those letters I feel are words for Charlotte. I have to say that the book read faster for me once I got to her part with cancer. Perhaps it was that it was all so familiar to me. My feelings were similar to yours in many ways and reading her journal entry to you was tough for me. I hope you don’t mind , but I have discussed your book with the husband’s group at our clinic as you have gone through and they are experiencing many things that I did not have to endure. I’m also going to pass the book along to one of the fathers at our school who lost his wife at the beginning of the school year leaving he and his two young sons behind.
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only what you are expecting to give — which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and cannot help giving. – Katherine Hepburn
I found the quote above on a site about Spousal Caregiving and it really hit home. We’re done with all the surgeries yet this week my wife had three days in the hospital and if you thought the waiting was excruciating before and during the surgeries, it is only worse now. I guess it is like they say about Chinese Restaurants. You know it is good and authentic if Chinese people work there and it is busy and filled with Chinese people. I think the same goes with a breast cancer clinic. If you have to wait hours even if you have an appointment, then your doctor must be real good.
Last night my wife spent 4 hours at the hospital for a shot, a visit with the nurse practitioner to go over her side effects from her clinical trial, and then to visit with her rock star oncologist. You are wondering why? Well the reason is that she spends so much time caring and listening to each patient that she does fall behind that most people understand. Today was a follow up meeting with the plastic surgeon. My wife has some nip-tuck things she wanted to have taken care of he took a look. and told her to book some time. We checked his schedule but we’re talking about mid-April!! Well his wonderful nurse said to book a time but if we could do something on four days notice, we could get something done pretty quick if we just sit on stand-by.
My travel schedule looks crazy already this year and I just hate being away from my family, especially now. Today was the first day that I had to watch my son practice his basketball. He’s good at it. Not great, but the joy on his face is all that I care about. I drove him home and started to talk about how he could be better, but realized that telling a kid on a Friday afternoon about the nuances of practicing hard and being a floor leader were just not something he wanted to hear. I chuckled at myself, “Come on dad, it’s just practice”. I was just trying to make up for my missing his first game of the season as well as his favorite thing…the annual Little League Skills Assessment Day. Last year I was so nervous watching him that my stomach was in knots. All these men with clipboards and stopwatches taking notes on my 8 year old, 55 pound kid as if he was some kind of bonus baby. Well he did well enough to be put in the elite group where they take the top kids and spread them evenly so no one team is overly loaded with skilled players. This year my wife gets the fun duty. It did feel good though to spend some time alone with my son.
Despite the stress of today’s waiting at the hospital we were able to have an early dinner as my daughter was requesting some family time. Fortunately my flight was late and we could squeeze it in (amazing as I still only arrived at the airport 40 minutes before my flight on a Friday night). My daughter has such a nurturing nature about her for a 6 year old. She loves her older brother and she is always looking after her mom and telling me when she is doing something that she doesn’t think my wife should be doing (yes, she is a bit of a tattle tale in that way). She cares deeply and is sensitive to the fabric of our little quadrangle of a family.
I guess Katherine Hepburn was right…..you do what you do when you truly care.
I did buy some tickets for Valentine’s Day for the two of us. Hopefully my mom won’t mind having her grandchildren over as her Valentine’s. I really need to get my wife alone and see her have that smile back on her face. When we lived in the New York Metro area, Valentine’s was a big day when I courted her. We usually planned one big meal where we would eat at a top 20 NYC restaurant. I remember those Valentine’s Days 20 years later! We’d have to make a reservation before Thanksgiving to get any of our choice restaurants in NYC. Ah…to be young again….
I did pick up the Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama at the airport tonight. I was curious. It almost reads a little too highbrow like a lawyer wrote it. I’m sure the intellectual Democrats follow it, but I’m not sure if the average joe on the street Democrat would really follow. I’m not big on politics personally as I feel like it is a topic that divides and not brings people together so you might not see much about my political opinions here…and that is a good thing.
“We have so many different stories, and one single destiny”
When I went running tonight (it is usually where I do my thinking) I replayed this historic week and its place in history. Our first President of ethnicity is one piece. The way he was able to gain the support of the majority of our country in just 22 months with a grass roots campaign through modern communication techniques was brilliant yet a throwback to traditional ways of fundraising and campaigning.
Whether you were for or against the President-elect I looked at it as a big time in our society and a great learning one. I wasn’t alive for JFK or for MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech, I hear the stories of the many people who know where they were when they heard that speech. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing Barack Obama’s “Yes We Can” speech will be one for the ages.
That is why I had my 9 year old son listen to both John McCain’s concession speech and Barack Obama’s victory speech with me. My 6 year old daughter is too young. While I know it might have been boring to an adult’s ear, I’m sure for a young kid that it might not have meant much. I just wanted my son to remember sitting on the couch with his dad while he listened. I told him that he didn’t need to remember the speech but to remember and take something from the speech. When it was over, I asked him what he got out of it. he mentioned the 100 year old lady who had seen a lot of change. He then said, “We are country full of people with many stories, yet one destiny”.
I asked if he understood and he told me that like our family, we are four different people with different storied , but we do things together as a family. Just like a team. Kids are so great. Their minds are clear and they help us see things in a different light. I hadn’t even picked up that line until my son mentioned it. Over the next several days I applied it on many different levels. I applied it to Work, Family , and even my classmates that I saw at my 25th high school reunion. The stories are diverse and should be celebrated.
Most importantly I thought about the many stories of the women such as my wife and mother who have battled or are battling cancer. Their stories are varied yet all of these women have one destiny and that is to find the cure for and beat cancer. Their stories have inspired me. I was talking to my wife who told me that a mom wanted to interview her because she found my wife to be an inspiration. While my wife does not find herself to be an inspiring figure, she was flattered and it made her feel good.
I reminded my wife that change begins from within. We recounted how my mother has changed in her fight over the last 5 years. I told her that she shouldn’t passively be an inspiration, but to be a little more active in how she affects others. We agreed that it is a time to say “Yes We Can” and I say that in a non-political way, but at an individual interest level.
For me, as we approach this holiday season and I look forward to this work week, I will bring my own destiny and inspiration to my actions.
My late night runs are not just about health and fitness. Sometimes the runs are just a place for me to contemplate life and where it is taking me. Usually it is about my dreams, hopes and fears. My wife usually laughs at me because I come home sweating and also with a list of things that I think we should do or I’d like to do.
Fears – Right now I’m still fearing for my wife’s mortality. I hope that she can get the next part of her surgery done. She’s uncomfortable but not complaining. The problem is we are stuck now as the doctors have her in limbo. They say that getting time in the OR to complete surgery is going to take time. We don’t have time as we’ve made lots of plans already We’re all frustrated. Tonight, just as I was about to go for a run I felt a twinge in my back. There is a small lump on my hip (a hip pointer? cancer?) Ackk, how can I even think of that? I remember in college when my roommate died of cancer. Every little bump on my body struck fear in me. I have to check this out. I fear leaving my children and wife alone.
Hopes and Dreams? They all sit with my kids. This week we elected our first black President. To me, the President that our country was going to select was going to be a new direction no matter what. As I went to the airport the day after the election, all I saw were smiling and hopeful faces. People had hopes. Very high hopes. I’m sure those smiles might not have been as wide in some parts of the country, but I’m sure we are waiting for the next 8 weeks to move on and see what will happen. My children are growing up in a great country and I want to give them every chance to laugh think and cry that I have.
Again, as I ran tonight I dreamed. Dreamed of traveling to far away places with my kids, dreamed of giving my daughter’s hand away in marriage, dreamed of attending a great sporting event with my son, and dreamed of seeing my wife happy and healthy.
Tomorrow is my highschool 25 year reunion. My good friend said, well here we go down the second half of our life. I told I don’t put my life in two halves. I’m in my middle third. The first third is growing, The second third is playing and the last third is reflecting and giving. He laughed and said I was in denial. I told him I was just living my life as I saw it. I’m going to live my life as happily as I can. Anyone coming with me?
