A Victory LapThe legacy of the dead will survive in the memory of the living
– The Mission (movie)
Tonight I was going through my personal email before heading home and saw a note about the parent in our class who has been fighting cancer for the last few years. He had been told that he has a few weeks left. I have given this parent and his wife Donald Wilhelm’s book, This Time’s A Charm, and although this parent does not need to read about another person’s cancer I felt that there are many similarities. What made me smile about this particular email was a great little note which made me cry and smile at the same time. It just reminded me about the human spirit and the strength that exhibited when it is faced with death. There is a calmness as well as an inspirational outlook when you investigate.
My father had always told me to try and put myself in the other person’s shoes to understand what they are going through. This was not a difficult one. With two young children of the same age as my own two children, I can just imagine the sadness going through his mind of not being able to see them grow up, not being able to take care f them and his wife, and not wanting to leave too much of a mess behind me. I had first thought that I didn’t want to bother them. I wanted to let them have their last days together and not try and take their kids away to take them off their hands for a couple hours. They didn’t need their kids away from their dad’s last days. They’ve seen him suffering for several years, but now he need to see his sons and give them some last memories of how to live strong. A last lesson that a father can pass to his sons in the hope that it will help them to live without a dad. They later mentioned that he wants his kids with them til the very end. I believe they think this time is very special and they have said more than on one occasion that each minute is a gift and that they are cherishing each one.
What got me over to their house tonight was the email though. In it was a paragraph and some photos ( I’ve received permission to share them):
So……..on XXX’s “bucket List” was a final entry: to enter the Antique Motorcycle Show. On Saturday, (after the hospital visit – and after they had received such devastating news) the family & some neighbors got together and loaded his 1926 Indian onto a trailor and towed it to the show. He was a passenger – and was able to get up & walk around a bit at the show. His Motorcycle won! He did a victory lap at the show, and when he came home – he said he will die a happy man.
As I mentioned, I cried and smiled as I read the email just before leaving work. I just had to stop by and visit. I was pleased to see another father there visiting the family. While smiles were there and he proudly held on to the award for his motorcycle, I could see his sadness and that he was sick as he had to leave a couple times during our conversation. His wife smiled and joked and I tried to stay within the moment which is hard to do when there is a 500 pound gorilla in the room. Watching their children play around the room saddened me. They seemed to ignore the conversation and
I did not want to stay too long out of respect for taking up too much of the limited quiet time they have together. I also was feeling a bit guilty. I thought of my own children at home and couldn’t help but feel very fortunate.
Winning in Life
Upon my return home I gave my children both a big hug. My son knew what was going on and asked me how his classmate’s father was doing. I told him the truth and how we need to be wary of this situation and do what we can when the time comes to help them. Although our sons are not close, I believe my son unfortunately understands the gravity of the situation given what are family has gone through this past year. As I put him to bed his questions out of concern for his classmate showed incredible compassion. Then I saw his own concern and fear as he asked me how I was doing and if we are okay in our family. He was putting himself in his classmate’s shoes. Even when I told him “We’re okay”, he did ask for reassurance. I just reminded him to take one day at a time and enjoy it and give it your best, but not worry too much.
As I shut the door on his room after kissing him goodnight, he gave me those final last words that we greet each other with every day, “Dad, good night, and take care of your body.” I laughed because kids are still innocent to believe that words will make things alright. To me it is just that you never know what those last words might be to someone. My words to this dad which might be my last to him? I can’t remember. I’m sure that they weren’t as profound as I’d want them to be, but I just didn’t want to say goodbye either. I didn’t want to remind him or anyone of the looming days.
Life is too short to not have a bucket list, but it is also too precious to live by it as well.
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly led me to you
Look at the sky
It’s the color of love
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly came down from above
He led me to you
– from Sade’s Kiss of Life
“It won’t be easy”, he said. That was fifteen years ago the night before my wedding when I asked my dad what he thought the secret to a long marriage would be. I laughed because that is what he’d always say when you pressed him about his own marriage. “It hasn’t been easy.” It was always a laughing matter but that night he just told me there is no roadmap but rather a lot of sweat and hard work. He told me marriage to him was a lot like a second job and if you don’t love it you won’t be good at it.
Well march ahead 15 years: 2 kids, 3 homes, 4 jobs, 5 cars, and 15 lbs( 1 for every year of marriage) later I can say he was right but it has been worth every minute. Last year when we had our 14th, I was sitting around talking with my wife in a Little Italy bar in New York saying how the first 14 years had gone quite smoothly despite the loss of my father and one miscarriage. We felt pretty blessed and there was no doubt we married the right person. Little did we know then that about a month later we would find my wife would be diagnosed with breast cancer. I don’t think this is what my dad had in mind.
Today’s anniversary will be marked by the passing of two icons from my childhood, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. My mother reminded me of how I had both of their posters up in my room as a kid. We laughed at how my Chinese grandmother who didn’t speak English had remarked that her grandson had posters of a Black man (Hock gwoi or black ghost) and a half naked white woman (Bock gwoi or White Ghost) up all over his bedroom and that she was not happy about it. I was fortunate to have met Farrah Fawcett as an 8-yr old on the set of Charlie’s Angels as we knew the hairstylist on the set. She was the first “older lady” I had a crush on and I was the envy of all my friends as I had her autograph. Back then though she was married to the “Six Million Dollar Man”, Lee Majors. I hated his guts. LOL!
It reminds us of how fragile life is and how we must take care of ourselves. We all know Michael lived a secluded and eccentric lifestyle which did not appear healthy. The cancer that Farrah Fawcett had usually has a 70% mortality rate if caught early which was not the case for her.
Today also marked for me the first day of a new cholesterol fighting drug for me. My doctor says this is precautionary as although I lead a healthier lifestyle than most with exercise and diet, my levels are high mostly from a genetic standpoint. I’m not going to fight it. He’s right, but I do have to give up grapefruit for the rest of my life it seems as it doesn’t react well with the drug.
Like our marriage, we didn’t do anything special for our anniversary. In 2 days my in-laws will be celebrating their 50th anniversary. And as they wished, they won’t be doing anything. We’re different though. We’re just not doing anything because we are both busy right now. We’ll celebrate in a couple weeks when our calendar frees up. I had to look it up but I was shocked at the traditional gifts for commemorating a 15th anniversary:
15th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Traditional Anniversary Gift: Crystal
Modern Anniversary Gift: Glass/Watches
Travel Anniversary Gift Ideas: Switzerland, Austria
Our marriage has never been by the book so those gifts are just guidelines we will choose not to follow. I have to laugh at this title of this entry as it is the name of the song I chose for our first dance. My wife didn’t like it and had actually said no when I proposed it to her. A few weeks later she brought me the same song and said she heard it on the radio and thought it would be perfect. I looked at her asi if to say, “So this is how it is going to be?” I just smiled and swallowed my pride.
Sure my wife and I have our spats. It is because we are passionate about our marriage and we have lots to fight for. It hasn’t been an easy 15 years but they have moved swiftly and with plenty of memories. The Kiss of Life was the right son for us and hopefully we’ll have plenty more.
Ben Wildman-Tobriner is only the second San Franciscan to win an Olympic medal and ironically he was taught by Ann Curtis, the first San Franciscan. Ann has a pool in Marin where I learned to swim during my summers and where my children now go to learn. Recently, Ben showed up at the pool during our kid’s lesson so that they could touch the Olympic Gold Medal that he won at the 2008 Beijing Olympics as part of the 4×100 meter freestyle relay team (he swam in the semifinal heats). Ben currently holds the US Record in the 50-yard freestyle in a time of 18.87 seconds. He also was the World Champion in the 50 meter free in 2007.
My other connection to Ben is that he went to the same high school I went to (years apart) and was also on my school’s swim team. Ben is a self made kid. It is very rare to see a kid like Ben from the inner city that is not made of swimming pools become an international swimming champion. Our high school (Lick-Wilmerding) is not a sports powerhouse. With only 450 kids, you usually get drafted by coaches to help fill out sports rosters. In highschool my swiumming team was a motley gang of kids who didn’t wear speedos or skin tigh swimming caps to remove resistence. We had maybe 8 kids on our team. The same was with Ben years later. Ben swam at the local boys and girl’s club in San Francisco’s Haight Ashbury district. No pristine facilities. It is like the the Rocky of swimming pools.
Ben went on to be a star in the Stanford University swimming program and is now at UCSF Medical School where my wife is currently being treated for her cancer. He is now torn between medical school and his swimming career. Ben has a great humble head on his shoulders and has given back to the pools that helped him to get where he is today. I only wish the other swimmer on the US team that won 8 gold medals has the same character as Ben.
I believe life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and life’s greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. This level of resolve can move mountains, but it must be constant and consistent. As simplistic as it sounds, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret” – Anthony Robbins
I borrowed the title of this blogentry from the new Black Eyed Peas album. The last couple of days just hit me kind of hard if you hadn’t guessed. Although three years have passed, the memories of my father are still strong and I’m learning they will always be withme. Although my father probably didn’t have a very tight relationship with his father, I’m sure there was enough to hold onto that lasted a lifetime for him.
My life is spent trying to make those long lasting memories for my own children. If I were to leave them prematurely I want them to have something to hold onto and cherish as their own. The night before Father’s Day we went out to a night baseball game that had a pre-game ceremony to honor Randy Johnson as only the 24th pitcher to reach the 300 career wins plateau in Major League Baseball. This is out of the over 8000 pitchers who have ever thrown a baseball in the major leagues. There in person were greats such as Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, and Nolan Ryan and we had front row seats. My son just sat there in awe reading the accomplishments of these men. When I asked him what he got out of it, he told me that none of them reached their goal until they were in their 40s. It is not what I had noted, but it was observant. These men had not only worked hard at their craft but they did it for a long time.
Well Father’s Day rolled around and like my dad did when I was a kid, I snuck out of the house to the golf course. Playing San Francisco’s Presidio Golf Course is my way to still play golf with my dad. Years ago I walked the course in the evening and spread my dad’s ashes. It was the route he walked his dog many time and the course that he played on many occasions as it is only two blocks from the house we lived in as a family. There is something about baseball and golf between a father and his child. Whether they are watching or playing, there is lots of time to talk about the little things in life that create the largest memories.
It was a beautiful Father’s Day and I was matched up with three other Fathers who had snuckout as well. One of the joys of San Francisco municipal golf that my dad instilled upon me was the fun of meeting new people on a golf course and getting to know them over a course of 5 hours as you stroll beautifully manicured terrain. We were really four strangers walking alone withour thoughts. Occasionally I would stop and stare at a tree or a bunker and could still see my dad playing. I hadn’t played a full 18 holes of golf in several months, but this round was special. I’ve played this course close to 100 times in my life and on this Father’s Day I played my best round ever. I almost matched my dad’s feat of a hole in one on Father’s Day as I missed one by about 2 feet. Probably the closet I’d ever come. Nope, no storybook ending here. It didn’t matter. I had a great day with my dad and I’m sure he would have given me a few pointers and word of advice. I could still feel his presence behind me reminding me to keep my head down, whistling at my good shots and chuckling at my lousy ones and shaking his head.
I came home to watch the US Open and the video clip above played. It is the story of a family that lost their father prematurely 10 years ago just a few months after their father (Payne Stewart) had one of his career highlights on Father’s Day. It was a sad but great Father’s Day story and tells of how his son still follows in his father’s steps. Myabe everything isn’t identical, but the purpose is similar. The 5 hour hike /walk/ golf round earlier had cleared my head but more than anything gave me peace of mind and although I didn’t match my Father’s hole-in one, I had a renewed energy about playing the course better than ever before.
In watching the US Open I rooted for Phil Mickelson, a man tormented by his wife’s pending breast cancer surgery. His co-survivor cancer story mirroring my own, I felt right there with him. On Monday, his charge ran short and he finished as a runner-up in the US Open for a record 5th time. The ending almost looked perfect, but he lost. Then I thought about it. The commentators kept using the words “storybook ending”. If he won the tournament it would have been a great accomplishment, but I don’t think it would have been storybook. He and his wife are facing surgery next week and I’m sure there are many more happier endings that they could think of right now.
As my day ended at work I got a phone call. It was my doctor. I knew it would come some day. Cholesterol lowering drugs. I’m in better shape than my father and live a healthier life, but its just my dad’s genetics and this is one legacy I did not want to follow. Let this be a lesson to all out there. I just reached 500 miles run so far this year. I ate steel cut oatmeal 5 days a week for the last 2 years. I have a low weight for my height, yet my genetics still drive a higher than normal cholesterol count.
Going back to baseball I just read the story of 1st baseman Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds who lost his father last August. Baseball was his connection to his father and suddenly without him there, he just couldn’t do it anymore. The man who played catch with him, coached him, and taught him how to respect and love the game was no longer there to enjoy it with him and he didn’t know how to do it alone. He said this past weekend he spent one last weekend in solitude with his father’s memory on Father’s Day but that he is now ready to resume.
Yes there were no storybook endings this weekend, just the real world. But that is okay, because as we all can see, the focus and dedication to follow our dreams and goals is what matters as long as that energy never dies. From Payne Stewart to Phil Mickelson to Joey Votto, we see examples of a relationship of a Father and son, a husband and wife, and the communication channel of a conversational sport where life’s lessons can be taught. Payne Stewart’s son Aaron has found a way to honor his dad, Phil Mickelson found a strength to show his wife how much he wants her to fight, and Joey Votto found a way to let his Father’s memory live under a different type of energy. These aren’t storybook endings but they are all nice stories in a chapter of a long book.
Father’s Day is different for every dad and child out there. Tomorrow it will be celebrated in many ways and I am no different.
I’ve always thought that gifts and cards were unnecessary. I guess that comes from my dad. For him, Father’s Day was golf day. You couldn’t find my dad the mornings of Father’s Day because he was out yucking it up on the golf course at an early hour. It was his way to spend the day. My mother always told me that my father didn’t need a BBQ, a tie , or a card, but just time to enjoy simple pleasures that his own father never got to take part in. As one of 8 children of immigrants, my father didn’t have a tight relationship with his father. as my grandfather was always working and didn’t play favorites with his children (as my dad told me).
It wasn’t til I was old enough to caddie for my dad that he let me join him for Father’s Day. My dad wasn’t cold, but from the first moments he stepped on the course, I knew why he always did this in solitude. This was his way to be by himself. He loved his family, but Father’s Day was his day of peace. Peace withhimself and withhis thoughts. He’d hit a bad shot and chuckle to himself. He’d hit a good putt and laugh nervously as if to say he was just lucky. His golf game was like the way he lived. Quietly straight down the middle with not much power or pizzazz, but lots of finesse and with a great positive perspective. The smile my dad had while he played golf was infectious.
My most memorable Father’s Day might have been 1987 when I was visiting home from NYC and my dad asked me if I wanted to join him. To be invited to be with him on his Father’s Day round at Harding Park Golf Course was great. I had arrived to the point where he wanted to let me be a bigger part of his day. I wished him luck for a Happy Father’s Day and he looked at me and waived it off then hit his shot. In our lifetime I don’t think I ever got to the point where my golf game got better than my dads and I could beat him. I could hit it further than him, but that was it. He was only 5’6″ and 130 lbs. I was bigger than him yet he stilled played a game and lived a life that was hard to mirror.
It was a foggy morning and it was so peaceful. We didn’t talk much but it was still noisy. Across Lake Merced you could hear the US Open at the Olympic Club being played. Crowds would cheer and groan with the shots across the way. The beauty of the US Open golf tournament is that it is always played on Father’s Day weekend. And every year it reminds me of that 1987 golf game with my dad. As we neared the end of the round on the par 3 17th hole I thought I was going to beat my dad for the first time. I hit my ball on the green. It was a lucky shot. The crowd over at the US Open almost cheered at the same time as my shot landed and I recall him telling me that the crowds were rooting for me as he made his practice swings. Then he took his 3-iron and hit a shot I lost in the fog. I don’t know how I lost it in the air. I looked at him and told him I thought it went into the bushes. As I got near the bushes he just sat in the cart and whistled at me to look in the cup. I glanced and he laughed. A hole-in-one on Father’s Day? Are you kidding? He popped a cigar into his mouth and watched me finish the hole and chuckled. He didn’t say anything more, but just put out his hand for me to give him back his golf ball.
He just hit a hole in one with the greatest golfers in the world about 300 yards away on Father’s Day and I was happier than he was. He was at such peace with himself after the round was over. He drank a beer, watched the tournament on the clubhouse TV and didn’t even celebrate. That day I think I understood what Father’s Day really meant for him. It was his Father’s Day for his father and not for him. All the dinners, BBQs, cards and ties were appreciated but never necessary.
Tomorrow will be the same for me. I know my wife has gone out and gotten something. But she knows tomorrow for me is not for me. He’s been gone for 3 years now but I will go back 22 years to that morning with my dad, a memorable one probably more for me than it ever was for my dad. His hole-in-one ball still sits above my desk and remains one of my favorite pieces of memorabilia. When he passed and I took over his desk, I found all of those old ties and cards. The material things were not what he needed. I know my children will want to think of me on Father’s Day, but I hope they will remember their grandfathers as well. They are the men and the generation that the day was intended for, not me.
“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; because there is not EFFORT without error and shortcomings; but he who does actually strive to accomplish the deed, who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who are the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those timid and uncaring souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt
1 More Degree of Effort Makes the Difference
Looking at the difference between 211 degrees (hot water) and 212 degrees (steam and power and effective energy), it motivates by urging us to keep going even when things are difficult. One of my favorite comedy routines by Jerry Seinfeld is the one where he talks about the difference between a gold and bronze medal in the 100 meter dash or the 50 meter freestyle. It’s that extra little effort. Some of it is training. Some of it is desire. Its just that little extra that pushes you over the top. One of my favorite books growing up was “The Little Engine that Could. You know the one “where he says “I think I can until he says “I Know I Can”. I was talking with my kids this morning as they watched a show on Earth and global warming (its amazing what they see these days compared to the Mr. Rogers and Electric Company shows I watched at their ages). They asked me about how it was going to affect them when they are my age. I sipped my coffee and tried to tell them to enjoy life but to respect the planet they live on. I didn’t want to alarm them. As I spoke they spoke about how an extra degree in temperature affects plant life, sea life, etc. It was pretty dramatic.
I tried to get them off the subject as I read the sports page. There was a great article about Phil Mickelson and how he is having to fight his emotions as well as to find peace in his life while being on stage at the US Open in NYC while his wife is back in California awaiting breast cancer surgery. It was only a year ago that I was at a conference in Boston waiting while my wife was also back in California awaiting what likely is the same surgery the Mickelson’s will be dealing with. While there is nothing they can do but wait, they have to try and live their lives as normally as they can for their kids and their sanity. In a way, going off to play in a golf tournament is probably a good lesson for their children abou how life goes on and to show them that you have to live before you paralyze yourself. Having lived that wait I can only imagine what they are going through as they don’t have the privacy that many people have. I can see Phil lining up a big putt only to see women in pink hats and pink ribbons following him in the gallery. I could never have done that at work! In the article, Phil Mickelson says that he is giving his EVERYTHING this week. I sure hope he just gives it that extra degree, and creates the feel good story of the year, but his odds are long and only because he is human. Here is the article: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/06/18/SPDP189376.DTL
Alas Phil’s story was delayed today because of rains in the East.
Speaking of Earth, heat and rain, I should probably finish and talk about Wind. Tonight I inched toward the 500 mile mark in runnning for the year. Today had been a sunny day but as it goes in San Francisco, the ocean breezes took their place and by the time I ran tonight, it was pretty blustery. I took off into the wind as I ran a mile and a half towards the ocean. The cool breeze felt good against my sunburn I picked up this weekend. Once I reached the beach I turned and went three miles halfway back across the City with a stiff breeze pushing at my back. They say the first and last miles are always the hardest parts of a run, but when I turned back into the ocean breezed for my final mile home, my pace picked up again.
I was interested to see my stats once I uploaded my run data from my Nike ipod. And there it was. My runs into the wind tonight were faster than my speed with the wind. It appears that with Wind resistence to fight, I found that I gave it that extra degree to knife through it. Maybe the path of least resistence isn’t the best one. We all need motivation. And sometimes a little hurdle or an obstacle can create the opportunity to focus and be the best we can be. When the wind was at my back, I was simply coasting.
Maybe that is the lesson for the day. Don’t avoid your obstacles and fears, but rather use them to propel you to new heights.
“Sometimes I’ll be driving alone and suddenly I’ll be crying” – Phil Mickelson, PGA Tour pro, when talking about his Wife’s Cancer
Amy Mickelson, wife of Phil Mickelson, disagnosed w/ Breast Cancer
Those words by Phil Mickelson this week reminded me of where I was almost a year ago. Trying to be strong for his wife, he finds himself alone, his emotions pour out. He and his wife are in that emotional purgatory as they wait for her surgery at the beginning of July and they remove the tumor. The waiting is just painful and getting back to golf for 4-5 days will definitely give him some normalcy again.
I look back on how we handled that waiting and remember how my wife and I just both worked up until the day before the surgery preparing ourselves for the long road ahead. It got our minds to remind us of what we have and what we needed to get back to. Our finish line was back to beinng normal and keeping our minds clear of the dangers thatwere ahead of us. It is like starting over. A new race. A new trip. A new beginning.
In Amby Burfoot’s (winner of the 1968 Boston Marathon) ” The Runner’s Guide to the Meaning of Life”, he talks about the beginning of every race. The nervousness of what lies ahead and not knowing”. I think that the more scary the possible outcome, the longer the race might seem. The thought of battling cancer is like running many marathons. It isn’t the distance but rather the time to cover that distance. Every run I run has those first miles where I ask myself what I am doing and how far I think I can go tonight. They are the hardest miles and take twice as long as the rest, but they are the most fulfilling, the most thought-provoking and the most calming. I suspect that Phil Mickelson will look back on these days as a husband and realize what is important to him and if those things were already important, it will ground him even more.
New beginnings are like that, both rewarding and frightening. because of fear, people tend to shy away. We hesistate or never take steps that they should. We procrastinate and worry about all the things that might go wrong. We get paralyzed and think of all the bad things and fail to possibly see the brighter lights. Every night I run I worry about my aching back, my sore feet, that little bump on the side of my hip, my controlled asthma and worry, but less than ever because each night I know a new lesson will come to light. Sometimes it is new or sometimes it is a reminder of lessons past.
It is like the many sayings. You have to pay to play. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Unless you understand your barriers and where you come from, the end line will never seem so long ago, and you will better respect and comprehend the distance you have covered. The same goes for finishing what you start. Many times we never look back if we don’t finish or give everything we’ve got. The hard work, the stamina, the focus and the will to succeed are never realized and respected unless we finish what we started.
It seems like a small lesson and one we should all know but we face it in our every day lives. Learning to finish things off is so hard to do if you don’t learn to do it from an early age. Teaching my kids is the same thing. Although right now it isn’t about fear or fear of failure, it is about focus, its about learning to complete things.
Each summer my parents used to have a plan to teach us things we were either going to learn in the coming year at school so that we could get ahead, or such things that you couldn’t teach in a classroom. Life lessons my dad would call them. Today I call it experiencial learning. If we were going to Mexico, my father would mark things around the house with Spanish words to teach us how to speak basic words. This summer our lesson for our children is about finishing. We have a list of things our children have started and now we are going to finish. We are also reading them stories and showing movies about completing your journey. Some of them are silly movies like “Field of Dreams”. Others are more inspirational like Chariots of Fire and the Rookie.
Speaking of finishing, and starting. I need to end this post and get started on my Sunday.
“Contrary to popular belief, in this day and age it is easier than you think to escape and get away from it all” – Anonymous
Driving the Santa Lucia Preserve
I’ve often used this blog to talk about the journey of life. Well this weekend we took a real journey with real paths and real lessons to help a real relationship. There was nothing really wrong with the relationship with my daughter. It just wasn’t as warm as I would have liked it to be. We always talk about “Momma’s Boys” and “Daddy’s Little Girl”. My wife and son definitely have the former but my daughter and I don’t quite have the latter. So we took the opportunity of a Father-Daughter camping retreat with her classmates to a natural preserve near Carmel, CA. Driving south from San Francisco to the Carmel Valley takes an hour and 45 minutes. Our final destination although only 20 miles further through the Santa Lucia Preserve took an additional hour. The winding climb up the mountain was a Tour de France paradise for cyclists. We encounter many through the winding road barely wide enough for 2 cars. Fortunately Herbie (see above) was small enough to deal with the winding switch backs up Robinson Canyon Road.
As we left the Carmel Valley, my cell phone(s) went dead. I was now “going dark”. No messages from my wife. It was just me and my seven year old daughter. It was our time to be together and a chance to develop more of that dad and daughter bond. Unfortunately my daughter is not like her older brother. She’s quiet and loves to sleep in the car. The drive was mostly in silence other than my DVD player so it gave me a time to get away from it all. No online media, no clocks, no televisions.
Herbie overlooks the Carmel Valley
The deeper we went into the preserve, the narrower the roads became. I was suddenly overcome by how easy it was to get away and leave the world behind.
Just two hours away from one of the major cities in the U.S. I was now dodging chipmunks, squirrels and snakes. I often stopped in the middle of this deserted road for several minutes waiting for another car to come by to confirm the directions, but no cars came along so I ventured forth wondering if I’d ever find the other fathers and their daughters. My daughter woke up from her nap and asked if we were lost. I kidded her that when we are in “Herbie” we are never lost. Part of this trip was to help our daughter realize that her father is equally a parent that she can rely upon.
The 2-way road in life
Our relationship is fine by most people’s standards but we don’t spend enough time together to really bond like a father and his son who play golf. She is daddy’s little girl but hanging alone with her dad is tough for her, I can tell. She has often indicated to me how uncomfortable she is driving with me in Herbie.
This time she screamed with joy and giggled as we rushed up and down over the hills as Herbie took her for a ride until we reached the Northern edge of the Los Padres National Forest. I’ve always driven my car just to show my kids a fun side to growing up as well as to act a symbol that life is not full of material things such as expensive cars and other luxury items. As I mentioned, my daughter is slightly shy and my goal of this trip was to get her out of her shell and to try to be more adventurous and show her the road less traveled. With her mother’s battle with cancer in the past year, she has shown some hesitancy and cautiousness in life and I wanted to make sure she understood that there are risks in life that you can take without getting hurt. Literally, Herbie and I were taking her on a new adventure to show another side of her father other than the working dad. We finally arrived and pitched the tent and took a look around. Some of the girls who arrived earlier were running around screaming. I finally convinced her to put on her bathing suit and got her to join in a class hike.
Water Slide
That jump set the tone for the rest of our weekend as she got brave enough to go down the 200 foot waterslide that she had at first refused to try and later she fished frogs out of the pool with their sliminess in her hands for me to touch. That night in the tent we talked and laughed. For a dad, there is nothing that makes a dad’s heart beat more proudly than to hear his little girl laugh. A close second is when your daughter shows you that she feels comfortable and safe when you are around them. Usually every night I give my daughter a kiss on the cheek as I tuck her into bed. That night out in the valley my daughter gave me the most special hug I’ve ever had. She made me promise that we’d do this again next year. I told her that as long as she had fun and we discovered new things together, we could do this forever. I know this sounds like a simple trip and a simple lesson, but that is what life is all about. Small yet adventurous journeys.
The hike was pretty much a successful mission. We hiked a very treacherous path to a waterfall which was freezing cold. I held her hand along the trail which had areas of 100 foot drops and while she was very cautious at first, she eventually started displaying a sense of assuredness with her footing. Still it was good to get some insight into her personality. She wasn’t too adventurous and always exhibited a sense of caution (this is a good note for 10 years from now). At the waterfall she looked at me when one of the other dads jumped off the top. “Should I do it?” I asked her. She looked at me as if I was kidding and that there was no way her daddy would jump 30 feet down into freezing water. This was my chance. When I ripped off my shirt she wrinkled her face as if to say, “You can’t fool me. I’m your daughter and I know you’ll never do it.” As all the little girls cheered for me to jump I could see me daughter with her hands wanting to cover her eyes. The jump was more invigorating than you could imagine. Freezing cold, if I had any circulatory issues, my body is fine now! As I swam across to the rocks where she stood I could see her clapping and cheering with a hug smile. Her daddy was not scared and was pretty brave and very cold. I’m sure the water in Beijing must have been this cold because I broke any records that Michael Phelps had established at the Olympic Games. Later on, once back from the nature hike, I saw my daughter sitting around the outdoor whirlpool with some of the other girls and talking about the “cool dads”. She had a bright smile when one of the girls said I was cool because I jumped off the waterfall. When we eventually returned home the first thing she would tell my wife (although I told her not to) was about dad’s “crazy jump” off a waterfall.
The Recreation Area
Should you want to visit, there are many semi-private grounds in the preserve. Here is the map to get there if you want to take a drive to one of the more peaceful and beautiful places in Northern California. If you are visiting the famous Carmel by the Sea, the Monterey Bay Aquarium or famed Pebble Beach, the preserve is right there.
In the end though for me, it was just what my daughter and I needed. I needed to find a daughter who’s love didn’t seem so stiff and awkward. She needed to see a dad who was more fun and able to help her when her mother was not around. Seeing her seek out my hand on the hike along our treacherous hike warmed my heart, but at the same time seeing no worry on her face as she held my hand while danger hung below us was a great metaphor for life with my little girl. I smiled knowing “Daddy’s Little Girl” really did need her dad and we had a weekend that would carry us for a long time.
Hiking to the falls
The drive home was still quiet but there was a different vibe as Herbie returned us safely from our little detour in life. A detour that offered a more scenic route for a few days and created a great new rhythm to a relationship between a father and his “daddy’s little girl”.
“Life is Like a Box of Chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” Forrest Gump
Life Lesson: Just go out and enjoy yourself. No need to worry about the cards that you area going to be dealt. You can’t change ides but moreso
This week my personal comfort of where I am in the stages of life was challenged. I reacted the way all people do. We all do it. We can’t help it. When surrounded by tragedy and tales of sadness that make you think, our body and mind react in a self-defense mode.. Let’s face it. When we all heard about the Air France flight, we thought about whether we’d want to fly that same route that plane took and how we’d be if we knew someone on that plane.
Even closer to home, a little 7-year-old girl who is a friend of my daughter found out that she has a brain tumor and will be undergoing surgery to have it removed. The proximity of our relationship to the girl has us and our daughter’s classmates all feeling terribly sad for this young girl and her family. I do have to admit that the thoguht ran through my head – “What if that were my own daughter?” And of course I thanked someone up there that it was not my little girl. Guilty?! Yes…we all do it. We worry and pray for those struck with a curveball that life has tossed. And we hope that curveball doesn’t get thrown at us .
I remember going to my uncle’s funeral when I was 16. I cried looking at him in his casket. Yes, he was one of my favorite uncles, but when I saw him and because he resembled my own dad, it just hit me how much I loved my own dad and thankful I was that my dad was still there. Years later, when my dad did pass, my friends came to console me and I looked at my best friend who had lost his father a decade before me. I looked and asked him how I’d do without my dad. I know we are grown me but we still need our dads. He told me you never get over the loss of a good dad. I knew he wasn’t sitting there at the funeral saying, “I’m glad it wasn’t my dad” since he had already lost his dad. In fact he told me that my own dad’s funeral reminded him of his own dad’s death and then he lost it.
When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, the moms in our kid’s school were great and really rallied around our family. Once again I know it was proximity. Proximity of being a mom with young children. With one in 8 women getting breast cancer, these moms knew my wife might have been the first, but they knew the chances were high that other moms would get it and that they could be next. They understood our troubles, but they also knew this was a situation that could hit them just as easily.
Is it okay to feel this way? Of course it is. It is human nature. This weekend is the funeral of a friend of the family. The eldest daughter asked me for some advice given that I was an expert and had been through the same thing. I told her it was not the same. Every night for 5 months I had read my friend’s bedside account of her mother’s poor health on www.caringbridge.com until she passed. We can only learn from our own experiences and from those around us. We are dealt many cards in life and it is okay to put ourselves in those situations and wonder “What if?”. What if that were me? What if that were my daughter or son? What if my daughter had gotten cancer like that little girl http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/19/earlyshow/health/main5024777.shtml?
Life is definitely like a box of chocolates that way.
Ah but life isn’t always filled with the coconut filled or cherry filled chocolates. Sometimes you do get the nuts or caramels that you prefer and others start to follow because they wonder, “what if I had the nuts and caramels” How happy would they be to be like me? In the end we should all hope that we get the chocolates we want and when we don’t we should observe what we would, could or should do
The Luxe on Sunset is a luxury hotel located at the corner of the 405 and Sunset Blvd at the edge of Beverly Hills. Do not be confused as there also is a Luxe Hotel Beverly Hills located on Rodeo Dr. In fact there are several Luxe Hotels in Los Angeles.
11461 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90049 USA
800-468-3541
Hotel Decor: 89 Typical of a Los Angeles hotel, The Luxe has great outdoor lounging areas . You feel like you are in your own private garden eventhough you are right next to a highway. The hotel is older but has very modern decor in the rooms although nothing spectacular.
Hotel Amenities: 88 The rooms are spacious and quiet. There are two levels and the back upper level is probably the quieter although older level. The rooms are also closer to the pool. The resort has a great spa thatmany locals seem to use.
Neighborhood Scene: 91 As you can see in the pool photo, the hotel is situated below and near the Getty museum. nothing is walkable and taxis are not easy to find. You are a 10-15 minute drive from Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Westwood and UCLA. Shopping on trendy Rodeo and Richardson are both very near.
Miscellaneous: The closest airport is Burbank and although closer, renting a car is probably the best thing.
Overall Wow Factor: 89 When I was there, President George W. Bush was staying in the main wing of the hotel. As I waited around the lobby bar in the morning, Justin Timberlake walked through the hotel lobby as did Tom Brady. There seemed to be plenty of classic roadster cars being pulled up to the valet one after another. There wasn’t a single car in that lot under $45K-$50K . The hotel is not flashy, but definitely had the coolness factor which showed that the hotel had all the class in the world with any of the pomp and circumstance. This was old school Hollywood and not the Nouveau Hollywood as the conceierge told me.
