“Erik, let’s be careful out there, and take care of your body” – My dad as he used to coin the phrase from the show Hill St. Blues and then add his usual sign-off.
Not really much to say right now. I have about 5 posts all ready to be sent out for this blog but I have been a bit distracted. It is always a tough time of year for me. This week marks 4 years since my dad passed away and every night when I run or before I go to bed my mind has been racing with memories of good times and thinking, “What would my dad do?” it has kind of been a distraction and as the week comes to an end, I think my week of reflection has helped me with clarity.
In many ways my solitude runs at night have been my conversations, my wake up calls, my time alone with my dad. In a way, I like to think the hooligans (a word my dad would have used) who tried to hit me with eggs as I ran the other night were just my dad having some fun with me. I think my dad would have laughed if I came home covered in eggs.
As kids we look at our moms and dads and never really think of them as children of other people and the bond that they have with their parents. I’m sure my kids don’t realize how much I miss him, but the photos of us playing golf and laughing are all around the house and I think there are enough memories for my children to let them know how important a relationship is between a child and their father and how lucky they are to have one.
As I head into the weekend to become a full-time dad for 48 hours ….my memories of dad might fade..but they will always make me smile……Thanks Dad for still being here in spirit.
“Funerals and deaths are the departed’s message to remind us to go out and live life” – The Very Reverend Alan Jones, Grace Cathedral
It has taken me a day to settle down from my harrowing plane flight. I’m not afraid of flying, but flying in the high winds that hit the West Coast of the US yesterday was not a joy ride I enjoyed. I was sitting there in seat 12F mentally writing my own obituary about how I was rushing back to Northern California to my cousin’s funeral, my second of the week, when my plane went down in the SF Bay. It was one of those flights where you hear that whistle. You know the sound. It’s the one you hear in the movies where the plane makes that soaring screech before it hits the ground? We had to abort our landing twice as our captain told us that the wind shears were too violent to provide us with a predictable path to the runway. Inside the plane, we slammed against each other with each turbulent drop and rise of our plane, trying not to act worried. The woman next to me grabbed my arm subconsciously and I didn’t even want to look at her for fear I’d get scared too. I tried to distract myself with the newspaper only to read about the great confidence we should have in the pilots of today, an article about Chesley Sullenberger, a local hero, and someone you would have wanted at the helm of our plane yesterday. We eventually landed and everyone rushed to the men’s room full of relieved tension. Even the pilot came rushing in to a bunch of smiling and relieved faces.
The quote for this post is a thought provoking one from the Reverend who presided over my first funeral I attended this week. I just wish I didn’t need these reminders. Seriously, so far two funerals for dads under the age of 55 this week and I get the message. I get it , I get it, I get it. I sat there yesterday listening to my son’s classmate singing “100 Years” by 5 for Fighting and I just about lost it. I could not see my son singing next to my casket like that. Every other dad in the church must have been thinking the same thing. I looked around and I’m sure people were thinking “That could be me”.
Kids with C-3PO
I stopped myself as I asked myself if I would rather have more time to plan my death or go quickly in my sleep. What? I can’t live life like that. I need to live life every day for the sake of happiness. As soon as these recent deaths came in fast sequence last week we didn’t need to say anything. My wife knew how I was feeling, “There is solidarity and certainty in death. We’ll all die some day, but let’s not live to die, but live to live well”. For the first time I can ever remember, my kids came to visit me at work and all of us went out for lunch. Just so nice to see your family together to break up the day. It was just the beginning to the start of a great family weekend.
Saturday was our normal soccer Saturday as a family followed by the President’s Cupgolf tournament. The President’s Cup was chilly but a great way to see the best golfers in the world in an intimate setting on our local home course. Golf is unique because of how close you get to the players and the fact that you are actually walking around on the playing surface with them, not like most sports where they look like gladiators in a pit.
Tiger Woods
My 7-year old daughter doesn’t play golf yet, but I loved it on Sunday night when we ask everyone in our home what was their favorite part of the weekend and she chose to say that seeing Tiger Woods in person while snuggling close together as a family sipping hot cocoa was the best.
Sunday was followed by early morning Little League baseball again on a cold and blustery day. It was another coffee and cocoa morning. The evening was finished with a trip to see Star Wars in Concert. This was my son’s favorite event as he got to see all the costumes from the movies and watch the movies unfold to an orchestra which played the famous score that won many accolades and the Academy Award. Seeing his eyes light up and his feet tapping to the music reminded me of myself at his age. My wife and I caught each other watching our son and smiled that knowing smile that he was having a good time and enjoying himself. It was a long day, but he was so excited to watch that he didn’t want to take a break to get food because he didn’t want to miss a thing.
Yes, the Reverend Alan Jones was right in saying that funerals and death bring us together to reflect and remember on those who have left us and to help celebrate their lives. He was also very right in saying that love binds us too. Spending a wonderful weekend with my family and exposing my children to some great experiences that they will never forget is something I will always cherish. It is love and great times spent together which bind a family in experience and spirit. It is those pleasant memories which we will use to grow and to help us remember the best of times at the worst of times… like when we are sitting on a plane with some crazy stranger grabbing on to your arm so tight.
One of the great advantages of living in the San Francisco Bay Area is the ability to find a restful world class resort within a short drive for a long weekend. The Silverado Resort has been a place wher I have attended weddings, corporate meetings, and professional golf events. But mostly I have come here to relax and play some golf.
At the center of the Silverado Resort and Country Club is a mansion constructed in the 1870s. While built with Italian and French architectural features, one can’t help but notice a plantation type feel to the main building and the adjoining administrative facilities (conference center, clubhouse, and tennis and recreation buildings). The mansion operates as the concierge and reception area and also houses a restaurant and bar. While the main building might feel stuffy, the accommodations are Napa Valley casual. The only other bit of stuffiness you might feel is that you must not wear short shorts on the golf course and collared shirts are required for those playing.
Family Pool Area
The resort is a full service resort that can accomodate large corporate meetings, weddings, tournaments, or just local tourist visits. Guests have at their disposal two 18 hole championship golf courses that have hosted PGA, LPGA, and Senior PGA events since the 1950s. Additionally, the hotel provides a new state of the art spa facility, a large pool area with whirlpool spa (there are 6 other pool areas), 17 tennis courts, a large conference and banquet facility, complimentary wi-fi, and bar & dining area. All rooms are supplied with Aveda bath products, and the bathrooms are large with a sit in tub shower although some might find the toilet and shower in the same room to be a little cramped. Rooms aren’t lavishly furnished but have a simple winery decor. We were also supplied a complimentary bottle of Chardonnay from the Silverado winery.
Kitchen area
Located at the Southern end of Napa one block to the East of the Silverado Trail this resort is easily accessible to downtown Napa, the Silverado Trail wineries, and plenty of restaurants in the Napa Valley. Located on over 1200 acres , the resort is very quiet and is surrounded by vacation homes that are rented out by homeowners as an alternative to staying in the hotel. Miscellaneous: Silverado is constantly having sales depending upon the time of year. There are mid-week specials, lovers packages, golf packages, etc. Sign up for their newsletter on their website for details or at least make sure to follow their website. The best deals are in the Fall when the weather is cooler and the crowds are smaller. The Grill serves a nice Breakfast Buffet that you can enjoy inside or out on the patio overlooking the golf course.
Golf facility
Most of the rooms at the resort are located in 1 or 2 story condos/bungalows located in short walking distance from the main building in well manicured grounds. These bungalows can be configured into studio, one bedroom or two bedroom accommodations. The 1 or 2 bedroom configurations come complete with fully equipped kitchen and living room entertainment area and fireplacefor those cold Napa Valley nights. Ground floor units have an outside sitting area as well as a gated little courtyard. Upper units have a sliding door opeining to a balcony. The rooms aren’t perfectly quiet and we often could hear the couple upstairs or people walking by late at night, but overall the environment is fairly quiet and you’ll hear more crickets than anything else.
Silverado bungalows
One of the older resorts in the Napa Valley, it lacks the chicness and intimacy of the new resorts built in recent years, but the resort still holds as a nice larger resort for conferences and young families. Many other resorts such as the Gage House in Sonoma discourage young children.
If you are a golfer, this resort marks one of the better places to stay and play. When you pull up the main circle driveway and see the mansion and the majestic palm trees, you can ‘t help but feel relaxed. The Silverado Spa is located across the street and although fairly new and seems to get a lot of business.
Walking around in the morning you find guests running the pathways, walking hand in hand in jogging suits or doing yoga by the side of the golf course.
I found it easy to just roll out of bed, walk over to the golf course and hit a bucket of golf balls on the range. Playing golf does require you to take a golf cart as the courses are pretty spread out and can be hilly in some areas especially in the heat of summer.
Bedroom
Part of the beauty of San Francisco is that there are so many beautiful places within easy driving distance from the city. Over the years we have taken advantage of the resort for long weekends. Golf specials have been a favorite of mine with my wife or golf buddies where we could stay and play. We have also taken advantage of romantic weekends where we could enjoy a glass of wine or two and not have to drive all the way home. On this particular occasion we took advantage of a 50% off end of summer package with our kids. The resort is very kid friendly and bringing your tennis rackets and golf clubs is recommended for locals. Playing a twilight round of golf will still cost you aroun$80 (with cart).
Yes, bring your bathing suit too. We ran into many friends who were also up their with their young families to enjoy the good weather and pool (Napa tends to be about 10-20 degrees warmer than San Francisco during the summer). I should note that in all the times I’ve stayed there, other than the corporate BBQs and catering, I have only eaten the brunch at their grill ($18 buffet) and had drinks in their bar. There are so many local chocies in the valley for cuisine from the Red Hen Cantina to Mustard’s Grill to Tra Vigne no matter what budget or experience you are looking for.
I believe life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and life’s greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. This level of resolve can move mountains, but it must be constant and consistent. As simplistic as it sounds, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret” – Anthony Robbins
I borrowed the title of this blogentry from the new Black Eyed Peas album. The last couple of days just hit me kind of hard if you hadn’t guessed. Although three years have passed, the memories of my father are still strong and I’m learning they will always be withme. Although my father probably didn’t have a very tight relationship with his father, I’m sure there was enough to hold onto that lasted a lifetime for him.
My life is spent trying to make those long lasting memories for my own children. If I were to leave them prematurely I want them to have something to hold onto and cherish as their own. The night before Father’s Day we went out to a night baseball game that had a pre-game ceremony to honor Randy Johnson as only the 24th pitcher to reach the 300 career wins plateau in Major League Baseball. This is out of the over 8000 pitchers who have ever thrown a baseball in the major leagues. There in person were greats such as Tom Seaver, Gaylord Perry, and Nolan Ryan and we had front row seats. My son just sat there in awe reading the accomplishments of these men. When I asked him what he got out of it, he told me that none of them reached their goal until they were in their 40s. It is not what I had noted, but it was observant. These men had not only worked hard at their craft but they did it for a long time.
Well Father’s Day rolled around and like my dad did when I was a kid, I snuck out of the house to the golf course. Playing San Francisco’s Presidio Golf Course is my way to still play golf with my dad. Years ago I walked the course in the evening and spread my dad’s ashes. It was the route he walked his dog many time and the course that he played on many occasions as it is only two blocks from the house we lived in as a family. There is something about baseball and golf between a father and his child. Whether they are watching or playing, there is lots of time to talk about the little things in life that create the largest memories.
It was a beautiful Father’s Day and I was matched up with three other Fathers who had snuckout as well. One of the joys of San Francisco municipal golf that my dad instilled upon me was the fun of meeting new people on a golf course and getting to know them over a course of 5 hours as you stroll beautifully manicured terrain. We were really four strangers walking alone withour thoughts. Occasionally I would stop and stare at a tree or a bunker and could still see my dad playing. I hadn’t played a full 18 holes of golf in several months, but this round was special. I’ve played this course close to 100 times in my life and on this Father’s Day I played my best round ever. I almost matched my dad’s feat of a hole in one on Father’s Day as I missed one by about 2 feet. Probably the closet I’d ever come. Nope, no storybook ending here. It didn’t matter. I had a great day with my dad and I’m sure he would have given me a few pointers and word of advice. I could still feel his presence behind me reminding me to keep my head down, whistling at my good shots and chuckling at my lousy ones and shaking his head.
I came home to watch the US Open and the video clip above played. It is the story of a family that lost their father prematurely 10 years ago just a few months after their father (Payne Stewart) had one of his career highlights on Father’s Day. It was a sad but great Father’s Day story and tells of how his son still follows in his father’s steps. Myabe everything isn’t identical, but the purpose is similar. The 5 hour hike /walk/ golf round earlier had cleared my head but more than anything gave me peace of mind and although I didn’t match my Father’s hole-in one, I had a renewed energy about playing the course better than ever before.
In watching the US Open I rooted for Phil Mickelson, a man tormented by his wife’s pending breast cancer surgery. His co-survivor cancer story mirroring my own, I felt right there with him. On Monday, his charge ran short and he finished as a runner-up in the US Open for a record 5th time. The ending almost looked perfect, but he lost. Then I thought about it. The commentators kept using the words “storybook ending”. If he won the tournament it would have been a great accomplishment, but I don’t think it would have been storybook. He and his wife are facing surgery next week and I’m sure there are many more happier endings that they could think of right now.
As my day ended at work I got a phone call. It was my doctor. I knew it would come some day. Cholesterol lowering drugs. I’m in better shape than my father and live a healthier life, but its just my dad’s genetics and this is one legacy I did not want to follow. Let this be a lesson to all out there. I just reached 500 miles run so far this year. I ate steel cut oatmeal 5 days a week for the last 2 years. I have a low weight for my height, yet my genetics still drive a higher than normal cholesterol count.
Going back to baseball I just read the story of 1st baseman Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds who lost his father last August. Baseball was his connection to his father and suddenly without him there, he just couldn’t do it anymore. The man who played catch with him, coached him, and taught him how to respect and love the game was no longer there to enjoy it with him and he didn’t know how to do it alone. He said this past weekend he spent one last weekend in solitude with his father’s memory on Father’s Day but that he is now ready to resume.
Yes there were no storybook endings this weekend, just the real world. But that is okay, because as we all can see, the focus and dedication to follow our dreams and goals is what matters as long as that energy never dies. From Payne Stewart to Phil Mickelson to Joey Votto, we see examples of a relationship of a Father and son, a husband and wife, and the communication channel of a conversational sport where life’s lessons can be taught. Payne Stewart’s son Aaron has found a way to honor his dad, Phil Mickelson found a strength to show his wife how much he wants her to fight, and Joey Votto found a way to let his Father’s memory live under a different type of energy. These aren’t storybook endings but they are all nice stories in a chapter of a long book.
“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; because there is not EFFORT without error and shortcomings; but he who does actually strive to accomplish the deed, who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who are the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those timid and uncaring souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt
1 More Degree of Effort Makes the Difference
Looking at the difference between 211 degrees (hot water) and 212 degrees (steam and power and effective energy), it motivates by urging us to keep going even when things are difficult. One of my favorite comedy routines by Jerry Seinfeld is the one where he talks about the difference between a gold and bronze medal in the 100 meter dash or the 50 meter freestyle. It’s that extra little effort. Some of it is training. Some of it is desire. Its just that little extra that pushes you over the top. One of my favorite books growing up was “The Little Engine that Could. You know the one “where he says “I think I can until he says “I Know I Can”. I was talking with my kids this morning as they watched a show on Earth and global warming (its amazing what they see these days compared to the Mr. Rogers and Electric Company shows I watched at their ages). They asked me about how it was going to affect them when they are my age. I sipped my coffee and tried to tell them to enjoy life but to respect the planet they live on. I didn’t want to alarm them. As I spoke they spoke about how an extra degree in temperature affects plant life, sea life, etc. It was pretty dramatic.
I tried to get them off the subject as I read the sports page. There was a great article about Phil Mickelson and how he is having to fight his emotions as well as to find peace in his life while being on stage at the US Open in NYC while his wife is back in California awaiting breast cancer surgery. It was only a year ago that I was at a conference in Boston waiting while my wife was also back in California awaiting what likely is the same surgery the Mickelson’s will be dealing with. While there is nothing they can do but wait, they have to try and live their lives as normally as they can for their kids and their sanity. In a way, going off to play in a golf tournament is probably a good lesson for their children abou how life goes on and to show them that you have to live before you paralyze yourself. Having lived that wait I can only imagine what they are going through as they don’t have the privacy that many people have. I can see Phil lining up a big putt only to see women in pink hats and pink ribbons following him in the gallery. I could never have done that at work! In the article, Phil Mickelson says that he is giving his EVERYTHING this week. I sure hope he just gives it that extra degree, and creates the feel good story of the year, but his odds are long and only because he is human. Here is the article: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/06/18/SPDP189376.DTL
Alas Phil’s story was delayed today because of rains in the East.
Speaking of Earth, heat and rain, I should probably finish and talk about Wind. Tonight I inched toward the 500 mile mark in runnning for the year. Today had been a sunny day but as it goes in San Francisco, the ocean breezes took their place and by the time I ran tonight, it was pretty blustery. I took off into the wind as I ran a mile and a half towards the ocean. The cool breeze felt good against my sunburn I picked up this weekend. Once I reached the beach I turned and went three miles halfway back across the City with a stiff breeze pushing at my back. They say the first and last miles are always the hardest parts of a run, but when I turned back into the ocean breezed for my final mile home, my pace picked up again.
I was interested to see my stats once I uploaded my run data from my Nike ipod. And there it was. My runs into the wind tonight were faster than my speed with the wind. It appears that with Wind resistence to fight, I found that I gave it that extra degree to knife through it. Maybe the path of least resistence isn’t the best one. We all need motivation. And sometimes a little hurdle or an obstacle can create the opportunity to focus and be the best we can be. When the wind was at my back, I was simply coasting.
Maybe that is the lesson for the day. Don’t avoid your obstacles and fears, but rather use them to propel you to new heights.
A mother’s happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories. ~Honoré de Balzac
This Morning's Flowers for Mom
Today is obviously a more special Mother’s Day than any other for me. Even though I am so happy that I get to celebrate Mother’s Day with my own mother, I am even more grateful that my children get to spend it this year with their mother and for many years to come. Although they probably didn’t the magnitude of how special it was and how we were staring straight into the possibility that this Mother’s Day could have been one without a mom or one with a bit more urgency than we had today, it was not lost on me.
As we got up at 6 am this morning to get breakfast and flowers while their mother slept in, it was nice to spend some time with the kids and ask them what they appreciated about their mother. Here is a lst from a 7 and a 9 year old in no particular order:
She’s a good cook
She smells nice
She drives us wherever we want to go
She plays games with us
She let’s us have play dates
She’s smart
She’s nice
She’s pretty
She let’s me paint my toenails (daughter)
She helps us with our homework
She kisses us and tucks us in for bed
They didn’t say it directly, but I knew what they were thinking. They said that it would be sad though for some schoolmates who did lose their mother to breast cancer this year. After they said that, there was silence in the car and when we got back home they each made an additional card for their mother before she woke up. The hugs around the breakfast table seemed more meaningful and sincere that the daily ones and for that I am so appreciative of the moments we still have together.
Last night we had a rare chance for one of our date nights. Dinner and a movie seems so simple but I can’t remember the last time we held hands all movie long. Dinner was filled with pleasant conversation especially over the relief that our son had played a decent baseball game. She had hugged our son, wished him good luck and accidentally told him to get some hits for mommy before his Little League game. As soon as she said that she looked at me with the horror of putting pressure on her son. Fortunately he came through and had a couple of hits on his best day ever in baseball. He was so excited to come home and tell his mother that he got two hits. The smile on his dirt covered face not only made her laugh but was a big relief. Some day he’ll probably tell us it was no big deal, but we were hoping he wouldn’t put any pressure on himself.
Tonight we’ll spend part of another Mother’s Day with my mother. Although the appreciation of still spending that extra time with her had somewhat dissipated each year beyond her battle with cancer, this year it has been renewed. Since my father’s passing she has visibly taken on much of his persona as well. She’s adopted his adventuresome attitude and more than anything become not just a loving mother that she already was, but a thoughtful icon for me and my siblings to come to in times when we aren’t quite sure about what is right or wrong and reminds us of what our father would want us to do. I can see in her latter years that she more than anything wants her children to spend more time together and makes a strong effort to make that happen on a daily basis.
Mother’s Day has become more than that Hallmark Holiday. It is also now a call to awareness to the plight of mothers and their battle with Breast Cancer. I am glad that even baseball has really taken the time to appreciate mothers and use Mother’s Day to bring awareness to Breast Cancer Research. Watching major league baseball players use pink bats and wear pink wristbands tells you that it isn’t just the days of playing catch between a father and son that forms the foundation of future baseball players but also those mothers who drive their sons and daughters from field to field three days a week.
While my wife and daughter celebrated with a spa day, I took my son to play 9 holes of golf and were paired up with a 30ish son and his dad. You never know why people are out at a golf course on Mother’s Day without their moms on Mother’s Day. The two men played in silence, but idle chit chat revelaed that they were native San Franciscans and were all aums of the same high school. As it turns out they had recently lost their mom/wife to breast cancer. It was a tough day for them and they were honoring her memory on this day. My son did not hear the conversation, but it really cast more light on the specialness of the day.
I smile as I look back at this entry because all I’d want for Father’s Day is a nice round of golf myself ….. At the same time, I want to say how much I appreciate all those moms out there for how much they do for their children whther they are 4 or 40. And for those who have lost their moms or have moms or relatives who are sick, please enjoy what you have and savor it.
Every day we reach those milestones. As parents we look for new ones every day. As caregivers we help people cross new paths. Today was a simple one. Just crossing the street. Yes, today our son crossed the street for the first time by himself. As a parent I watched the whole thing and felt so proud. Unfortunately my wife was not so happy. I told her she was going to have to learn to let go and know that this was a great chance to learn especially under the watch of a parent.
Well this might seem trivial to some, but I think it is a learning experience for both me and my wife. She has always been from a family that is very conservative and controlling. It is a tendency she tries to avoid. Although she admitted that what my son did was fine, she was still hyper-critical. I reminded her of how her own parents invaded her life as she got into her 20s and how she hated it. I told her she had better learn to let go before her children not tell her when they did something for fear of being nagged to death. In fact i reminded her that her our son is very similar to me and that I have been known to go my own way without telling my wife when I fear her overmanaging a situation. I told her that I don’t want our children to be the same way.
I’ve been thinking about it and I myself have to learn to let go. I have to stop treating my wife’s condition like she’s going to break. Although I’m not blocking my wife from returning to normal. I have been jumping to do things for her and need to let her get used to doing things on her own again. I am preventing her healing process from accelerating. Baby steps at first like crossing the street but I have to make sure she has that chance to spread her wings as wide as she feels comfortable. I asked her if this was an issue and she said it wasn’t but understood how I was feeling and told me that she was okay and ready to get on with her recovery.
I GUESS LIFE GOES ON..at least for another couple weeks until her next surgery. She did mention that she talked to another mom from the school who just found out that she has cancer too. Turns out that she has the same surgeon that my wife and mother had. Pretty small world and quite amazing.
