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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Another Milestone of Thanks on 9/9/9

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“I won’t give up if you don’t give up” – Train from “Calling All Angels”

I want to give a big thank you to all friends, family and business associates who helped my family deal with my wife’s illness this past year.

Today was just another day of running around the house getting the kids out of bed, reminding them to put their clothes away, brush their teeth, comb their hair and rushing them out the door to school.  Hundreds of thousands of families repeated that same ritual this morning without batting an eye. Kids waving at me in my rear view mirror as I drove off to work just put that smile on my face that puts one in a happy place.  These small things we take for granted, but I’ve learned to cherish these moments which are the strong fibers in the fabric of our lives.

Midway through the day I was running through my emails, my Facebook updates, and my Tweets as I ate my lunch and someone wished me a “Happy 9/9/09”.  The date in slightly different formats had two meanings for me.  Exactly 10 years ago my wife went into labor with our first child.  The hospitals were then packed on 9/9/99 with tech geeks in the area wanting to have their babies on that day.  Incidentally my wife didn’t eventually give birth until 9/11 which gave my son an equally auspicious birthday. 

More recently, the date marked exactly a year since I spent one of the longest days in my life at the  hospital as my wife went through a 6 hour surgery to have her cancer removed.  As I responded to a few emails including one from the mother of my son’s classmate (her husband is dying of cancer) I could only think once again of how fortunate we are.  I can only say thank you so many times to the wonderful friends who supported us physically with meals, carpools, rehab walks, babysitting,  and even just a nice cup of coffee as well as emotionally with advice, cards, flowers, and prayers through a very tough time. All of those efforts allowed us to get back to the living our normal every day lives without hardly skipping a beat.  A big thanks also goes out to all our new friends who met as we entered into this new community in our lives who helped us better understand what we would be going through and prepared us for the months of hard work. Even more to those old friends I grew up with who gave their unconditional support even though we hadn’t seen each other in decades and barely knew my wife.

Why the video in this post?  “Calling All Angels” by Train is one of those songs that has been in my iPod for years and was listened to occasionally, but this past year it kept pushing me through some of my long night runs (over 1100 miles since the night of that surgery), inspiring me to keep going until it became a big part of my mantra run.  I felt like I was running the streets of San Francisco calling for angels to help and they did.  Incidentally, Train is coming out with a new album called “Save me San Francisco” (the band was formed here) and their hit song, Hey Soul Sister, is a catchy little tune that I think captures the energy of  the sisterhood of women suffering from breast cancer.  The fight against breast cancer is an intense one wrought with emotion.  The sisterhood is strong.  The women I met as I searched for answers showed me how a strong community atmosphere can be so supportive.  The song also captures for me my love for the woman who has been both my hope and my inspiration over the last year.

Well when I got home tonight all I could do was give my wife a big hug.  The date had hit her in the middle of the day too.  We smiled as our kids wondered why mommy and daddy were so happy that they had to give each other a big embrace in the kitchen.  We just told them we are just very very lucky people.  Only a year gone by and the ability to look back and smile and turn our heads to the future is a good thing.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Back in a Familiar Place

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If you raise your children to feel that they can accomplish any goal or task they decide upon, you will have succeeded as a parent and you will have given your children the greatest of all blessings.”

-Brian Tracy

So here I am again waiting in the 3rd floor waiting room of the UCSF Mt. Zion cancer clinic as my wife goes into surgery for the third time in 6 months. It is a very familiar place although it has memories that I’d rather forget. Yes it is a bit easier and the procedure (that is what we call it for children so as not to alarm them) is less serious than the first two.  When my wife was first diagnosed with cancer almost 8 months ago I never imagined the path we’d take and where we are today while better than possibly imagined is not one of the many scenarios that ever ran through my head.  We’ve learned to appreciate what life has given us and to that we can’t control everything.

The venue and many of the faces are still the same here at the hospital although some things have changed or at least the first two times I was too distracted to worry about.  Over in one corner of the waiting room is a wife (I think) who is trying to hold back her tears.  She looks as if she is in her 70s or so and is elegantly dressed with a hat ( this should be definitely designated as a chapeau).  She has a lot of makeup on and you can tell she was raised in an era and with parents who told her that if she were to go out, she always needed to dress to impress.  Everyone else is sitting in here talking on cell phones and updating their loved ones, reading outdated magazines or sleeping upright waiting for their name to be called.   Of note is that Lance Armstrong and His Ride for Hope took a serious spill today as he broke his collar bone in a fall.  Also, the television overhead in the waiting room is showing photos of Liam Neeson and his two teenage sons  at the funeral of their wife and mother, actress Natasha Richardson.  The grief and sorrow are the images I had imagined for myself 6 months ago.  As I said, you just don’t know what direction life is going to point you.  You just have to take it as it comes sometimes.

As we walked into the hospital a couple hours ago I noticed we both had a bit of a smile on our faces.  We even joked a little with the admissions staff.  But what made it even more noticeable was that we ran into one of the other mom’s from our kid’s school who was just coming down from her pre-op appointment before her breast cancer surgery tomorrow.  The two mom’s hugged and I shook the husband’s hand.  Very quiet and private people (he’s a physician himself) we could see their worry and concern on their faces. We kept the conversation brief and wished each other luck as we needed to stay on time.  My wife even had a moment to discuss a play date for our two sons in the next week while she rested.  How odd is that? My wife and I got up to the room and talked about the chance meeting.  “That was us 6 months ago”.   The other couple noted that this was our third time through and mentioned how they hope this would be their only surgery.  We only hope that we showed a positive attitude and a good outlook in the face of surgery.   

That is what it is about, isn’t it?  A positive outlook?  Last night my wife even asked for a hall pass to get out and have a drink and chat with a girlfriend.  I said of course.  I mean how many other women go out and do that the night before their surgery.  The first two times my wife needed Ativan to calm her nerves and get to sleep.  This time she was ready and not worried.  I almost forgot she was having surgery when I woke up this morning.

Speaking of positive outlooks we were talking about the short term memory of our own son.  He had a bad offensive game the day before with the “hat trick” (three strikeouts) in his first little league game this season.  Although just 9 he is playing with 11 year olds twice his size and at least held his own defensively.  Other kids out there were crying when they missed a ball and we were worried that our own son was going to be deflated.  After the game I asked how he felt. “Hungry”, was his response.  And after another pause he smiled, “Don’t worry dad, I’m not going to strike out everytime.”  I laughed and he smiled back.  Here I was worried about him and he was telling me not to worry. I can’t wait til he’s 30 and able to take care of me and tell me not to worry.

Has it been 6 months?  Yep.  The timeline:

Breast Cancer Diagnosis: 7/27/08

Bilateral Skin Sparing Mastectomy: 9/9/08

Beginning of clinical Trial: 12/1/08

Exchange Surgery: 12/12/08

Revision Surgery: 3/23/09

It seems like it has been a long time but 6 months really have just vanished from our lives.  At the same time our love has grown enormously and so has the maturity of our children.  Even moreso as a couple, our respect for life and the people we meet in life’s journey has grown.  We can only hope to enrich our lives by challenging it, embracing it and finding joy whenever it is presented to us.

Thanks to modern medicine we’ll be able to continue this journey in a couple days.  I think it is amazing that within 24 hours after I get my wife home, she should be back to normal.  She’ll be stiff with limited mobility, but most importantly she’ll be here for our children, for me and for her friends.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

3 Days of Shopping to go – Life is a Highway

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Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart. – Washington Irving

Tonight’s run was a cold and painful one.  Each run is like every day in life.  One day you might feel good but the next day you might feel like you are running a marathon without shoes.  One day is different from the next.  It’s like life.  Many of us are given the same set of circumstances, but some make more or less of it than others.

I’m reading a book by Chad Moutray, another man who had a wife with breast cancer only his story ended tragically.  Why would I read it?  Why do I care?  I often wonder if I am alone in this world.  In fact I think we all wonder if our life is unique or normal.  Do others deal with similar issues?  Are all my peers being hit with the recession the same way? 

Chad, while raised differently, has many similar qualities to me.  I’m finding the book entertaining at times and hard to read at others.  It hits hard and close.  I’ll write more about the book at a later date once I am finished.

Today my wife went back to the clinic and the nurse practitioner supplied her with new and cleaner steri-strips to cover her scars.  Her breast surgeon came by to say hello.  This would be the last visit with her for another 6 months.  She gave my wife a hug and then said some complimentary words about me.  We had become more cordial with each other over time and recently discussed my blog.  I was hesitant at first to tell her about this blog , but gave her the adress.  She told my wife that she loved my honesty.  Whew!  I was not ready to go back and edit anything here.  While this blog is more of a channel for me to express the feelings which I can’t describe with words, I find it to be more of a release for me and hopefully a memoir for my children

I am encouraged by my wife though.  Her energy levels are high and her desires to enjoy herself and get back to a regular exercise regimen.  She is worried about the scar and I’ve told her that I’ll help her to get used to her new self and promise to be honest and open about my feelings with her.  It’s hard to argue with her when I want to be positive, but I have to pick my points.  Sometimes she deserves the ability to just be down.

We are getting ready for the holidays this year with a full house of family.  While everything might be the same as years past, just like running, it might be a bit more of a struggle than in the past

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Courage and relief – Life is a highway.

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” Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” – Anais Nin

Finally after five months my wife’s parents arrived to console their daughter.  I could see the relief in their eyes.  More importantly I could feel the relief in my that she felt her parents were finally concerned enough.  Their was never any doubt that they were concerned about their daughter, but their hesitation had started to wear on my wife.  Quite frankly it started to wear on me.  Her courage through all of this has been nothing less than a revelation for me.  How she was able to put so many feelings behind her as she went through this battle over the past 5 months has been amazing. 

It couldn’t come at a better time for them to arrive as my work is getting more busy with business integration coming on the heels of the holiday season.  I feel a great weight lifted off my shoulders as I can go to work knowing that someone else is around to care for my wife during the day.

Right now our only concern is that my wife is feeling uncomfortable with some redness around her stitches that is very itchy.  I am concerned there might be an infection, but we are not sure.  She’ll be able to go in with her mother to take a look again with the doctor to see if there is any relief they might be able to provide her.

I even noticed my change in my mindset as I ran tonight.  I ran an extra mile and for the first time in a long time, my wife’s cancer did not wander into my head during my 20-25 minute run.  That’s probably because I barely broke a sweat in the bitter 35 degree temperatures outside.   I’m really pleased to have broken the 1100 mile mark this year.  It feels real good and I can feel my stamina and speed to be improving each day.

Maybe now I can start to write about something new.  Hopefully it will allow me to really express some of my real passions in life.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Another Trip to the Hospital – Life is a Highway

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Those who are lucky are happy, and I’m happy to be lucky.  No excuses.

– Participant in the show, Survivor

The reconstruction surgery didn’t go as long as smoothly as we would have liked.  It lasted five and a half hours and will require more healing than we anticipated, but I think the relief of the surgery being over was felt both by me and her.  As soon as the surgery was over, a storm hit the city.  She was delirious but okay so I decided she was stable enough to go home for the night and get back first thing in the morning.

I woke up after 7 hours of sleep ( 2 more than I had been averaging) with a major knot in my stomach and a huge throbbing headache.  I think the stress of the week that I had been internalizing came crashing in on me.  I had read myself to sleep by reading he story of another husband who lost his wife to breast cancer.  I read the synopsis and realized how lucky I am.  I’ll write more about this book later.  I quickly grabbed some ibuprophen  and went to pick up some breakfast.  She hadn’t eaten in 35 hours so she would be famished.  Fortunately my mother had spent the night to watch the kids.  After calling her parents to tell them she was okay, I arrived at the hospital.  I would later find out that she had not told her parents before that they were going in to clear her margins some more.  She had not told them as she didn’t want them to be worried.

I was not only the last visitor to check out the night before, but I was also the first visitor to check in that morning.  Opening the door and seeing her sitting up and smiling was more than a relief.  She was in pain still and a bit week but she was hereslf again.  When she starts barking orders I know she’s fine.  There weren’t side effects from nausea like the previous surgery.  Both physicians came in and checked on her.  They said it had been slightly more complicated than thought, but that it just required more adjustments.

We were able to check out by 11am and we were soon a family again.  The children were happy to see their mother sleeping in her bed.  It was a bonding experience.  I left my son to watch his mother and get her anything she requested while I took or 6-year old daughter run errands to the pharmacy to pick up medicines, the deli to get sandwiches, and the card store to get my wife’s birthday card.  As I ran the errands, I could only think of the book I was reading and squeezed my daughters hand.  She was enjoying being my helper and I was enjoying the bonding time.

I slept the whole rest of the afternoon with my wife.  I needed the rest and she held my hand.   She requested sushi for dinner so I took the children out for sushi and brought back the leftovers.  Dinner was different.  A dinner for three instead of four.  I saw people look at us.  Was I divorced dad?  A widower?  It didn’t matter.  I knew what I was feeling.  I was thinking how much I wanted to be a complete family and how good that feels to me. 

I told her I am so happy to still have her with me and feel so fortunate.  I’ll never take her for granted again.  This week isn’t going to slow down with the holidays upon us.

Her parents arrive on Tuesday and there are a bunch of “honey do’s” that I have to get done around the house before they arrive!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Racing Down the Highway – Life is a Highway

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I’m Driving like Hell, Racing Down the Highway – Blake Shelton

Although the lyrics above are from a song about a guy who realized he let his woman get away without telling her how much she means to him (which is not my case), those words seems to express my feelings these days about how my life is going.  I feel like I’m spending my days on those things which I shouldn’t and not on the people and things that matter.  Have I lost perspective?  It’s so easy to find your way in life one day and then lose it.  Yes, just like driving without a map, going 85 mph and not talking to the other people in the back seat.

 As I write this I’m sitting in the 3rd Floor waiting room of the CPMC Carol Franc Buck Cancer Clinic waiting for my wife who is undergoing her 3 hour reconstruction which includes a brief procedure from her cancer surgeon to clear margins that will help reduce her chance of cancer returning.  This surgery will be about half the time of her original surgery.  It is a weird feeling as I felt so prepared for her original surgery that today’s procedure both of us felt so unprepared.  The results maybe aren’t so much about mortality I guess, but I feel like I haven’t given today’s proceedings as much attention as they deserve.  The same goes with the time I’ve had to spend with our kids. 

Last night we each had a brain dump of thoughts.  When we communicate it is almost like a game of chess with a time clock.  First me for 1 minute, then her for a minute, then me, then her, etc.  We race through topics such as how she ran into her friend Jessica at the Starbucks (Jessica is also a breast cancer survivor and an inspiration to my wife), how our son was nominated for a summer Young Scholars program, holiday dinner plans, coordinating pick up of her parents from the airport, etc.  This type of communication might not work for many, but it works for us.  Twenty-four years together will do that to you.  In the end we finally smiled and did a sanity check (maybe it should be an insanity check).  How are we feeling?  Are we prepared for this next surgery?  Is she feeling side effects from the hormone therapy? Apologies to each other are also part of the conversation.  These are mostly from me for the guilt of not being there as much as I wish I could, but she understands the stress we are all going through.  Who says love is about never having to say you’re sorry?

Back to the present, I’m sitting here waiting with two other gentlemen and have about 90 more minutes to go of waiting.  The smile on her face as she chatted her way through the swinging surgical doors are so typical of her, and so atypical of the image of someone going in for a major surgery.  The looks of concern on their faces tell me that their cases seem more grave.  There is a certain somberness in this room that hits me and reminds me of sitting in this room three months ago.  There is a déjà vu with the smells and sounds all around me.  I hope we never have to be here again.  Once again the stress and anxiety of the week have caught up.  The sleepless nights have me and I need to rest.

The next 90 minutes are going to be spent napping and listening to an iPod mix of inspirational songs.

Hopefully the next couple of days will let me catch up, slow down and give everything its proper attention.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Now is the Time – A Loving Fight

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Now is the Time When You Show How Much You Care – Ronnie Lott

I was driving to work today listening to talk radio and heard Hall of Fame defensive back Ronnie Lott talking about his foundation and giving.  I was thinking to myself about how hard it must be to give at this time of year and in this economy.  Doing some of my own fundraising for our kid’s school I was sensitive to his comments.  But he inspired me by saying how he didn’t get as much from everyone but got more people to participate.

I’m feeling that right now.  As I ran last night I was thinking about my “Secret Santa” exchange which our family set up and just remembered how fortunate I feel that my wife is still with me and that my kids still have their mother.  I’ve decided that I have all the gifts I need.  If someone wants to give me a gift, they can donate those dollars to my wife’s cancer clinic, the Carol Franc Buck Breast Care Center.  My family is pretty bitter that I’m ruining their Secret Santa because I don’t want anything, but that is truly how I feel.  Even if they gave me something I truly want or have wanted, I just can’t enjoy it this year.  Now is not the time for me to be greedy.  I know my family wants to give me something, but I’ve been a materialistic person my whole life and right now my wife is the only thing I want and am so glad to have her.  

Maybe it is the stress of the holiday season, work integration projects, the bad economy, and my wife’s upcoming surgery this Friday, but I just can’t sleep or feel like I can rest.  Now is not the time to be selfish.  No matter how bad life is, the only way to feel better right now is not to feel sorry for onesself, but to make yourself feel better through the gift of giving to others.

Maybe my wife’s energy level is what is driving me.  She seems to be so strong now while on OS, Tamoxifen and bisphosphonates while staring surgery in the face again.  I just don’t know how she does it, but maybe for her now is the time as well.  I can only gather strength from her this holiday season which will be the greatest gift of all.

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Each Visit Is A Reminder – A Loving Fight

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I love you so much it hurts.

Sometimes the everyday stress of this fight against cancer pops up.  It is an undercurrent in our lives as we try to move on.  Certain days we avoid the topic either because we don’t have time to catch up or we don’t want to bother each other.  We know how each other feels and when the kids are asleep we’ll have a quick discussion.  The stress though recently has been over the decission or lack of clarity on her trial with bisphosphonates and other hormonal therapy.  The stress and anxiety is in her and she wants me to help.  This is the first time in our relationshipp where I just keep having to let her make those decisions.  I will just never know her true feeling about how badly she wants to fight some days.  The tensionhas been there and I want so much to help and support her but the stress is just making us crack a little.

Today though was the first of her OS shots and her bisphosphonate cocktail.  Along with Tamoxifen she is getting the triple whammy of hormonal therapy and bone density treatment to fight against a recurrence.  Although she was lucky enough to avoid chemotherapy and radiation, she had to go to the ward where those treatments are provided in order for her to get her shot.  Seeing the other women with sadness in their eyes, a slouch in their posture and bald heads was a reminder of my mohters treatment as well as a reminder of how lucky we are to have caught this cancer early.

Tonight we just gave each other a kiss and reminded each other how lucky she/we are.  She still inspires me.  Tonight when I just didn’t want to go running I reminded myself of the pain and suffering she is going through and told myself that no amount of pain and suffering I have will match hers.  It was 4 miles of therapy for me as I took a deep breath and breathed in the cold crisp air.  I spent the run thinking of all the people we’ve met along the way and gave thanks.

Well once again it is late and I need to cut this short.  I also need to get back to some of the postings of the fun parts of my life.  I do have fun sometimes.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Being Thankful – Life is a Highway

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You share a bond and friendship that can’t be broken – Fortune Cookie

Given what we have been through this year, some might wonder how Thanksgiving might be different or how we can be thankful.  In fact, on my run tonight I spent a half an hour just thinking of all the people and things I am thankful for.  Well this Thanksgiving was different for me.  For one, I never before had a Thanksgiving where I didn’t sit down for a big Turkey meal with either side of our huge family.

In fact, today marks the 4 month marker since the day she was diagnosed with cancer and our world was set spinning.

The thought of almost losing the love of my life and the mother of my children at an early age to breast cancer has been a bit of a wake up call to me / her / us.  I am so thankful that she has been able to endure her skin sparing mastectomy to remove the cancer and has been given a new lease on life.  Today was spent “being thanksful” and thanking all those who have helped us to get through this year.  We also spent the morning helping out those less fortunate than ourselves.  Is not all about health and wealth.

To hear and see the stories of others we were able to see other people out there who are just as thankful as we are for what we have today.  In fact some definitely have more to be thankful for than us and I was happy to show our children how lucky we are.  This year though we have many friends, family, doctors, etc who are all part of the reason why we are thankful for their love and caring, for the health of my wife, and for the lessons we have learned from them to know what true compassion means 

In recent days we were happy to hear that my wife’s parents finally have decided to come out and see my wife.  I know it means so much to her that they will be coming to visit.  I guess we have one more thing to be thankful for this year.

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Confidence is a Drug – Life is a Highway

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“I am Superwoman, Put an S on my chest” – Alicia Keys

Continuing my theme of letting go, my wife is starting to do a lot of little things which are showing her confidence and need for independence from going grocery shopping alone to resuming her exercise.  It is a simple thing sometimes but I can trace this renewed energy just from a simple invite from some of the “popular moms” in our kids school who asked her to join them for an evening out.  It really made my wife feel good to still fit in.  I know her confidence wiill ebb over the next few months as she goes through her recontstruction and deal with both the emotional and physical scars.

Interestingly enough we had the same conversation about confidence with our own children.  We want to teach them humbleness.  While both are well liked by their classmates we want to teach them to be humble individuals and help them for the inevitable day when they receive rejection and teach them how to handle it.

Part of gaining confidence is providing exposure to as much as possible.  As a parent it is our job to show our children as much as we can while providing guidance.  As we go through our lives our parenting takes on many forms that are influenced by our own experiences.  We sometimes learn by giving our children things that our parents couldn’t give us or providing many of those same experiences.  For me, I miss those moments with my dad and this weekend I was able to take my son to his 1st  Big Game (Cal vs. Stanford football), but it is was more than just a game.  As I say, it is always the experience of getting there, and taking a 9 year old to Berkeley is always an eye-opening experience.  Blondies Pizza, Top Dog, the homeless, Rasputin’s Records, etc are all part of the mystique after taking Bart to Berkeley.  For our son (and some day our daughter) the experience started with listening to the Cal Band. 

After listening to the Cal Band we marched up to the stadium with them.  The smile and laughter that he had watching the band made me tear up.  30 years ago that was me with my dad.  I only hope my dad felt as satisfied with giving me that same experience and I showed him the same amount of gratitude.  The casual conversation about the history of the schools and the area were part of a great day of bonding that hopefully will create many pleasant memories for my son because they sure did for me.

My wife and I are still being cautious about the post-surgery experience and what it will mean to us.  I think we know how it will be physically but psychologically we’ve been talking about some of our concerns and issues each night.  We will have to work through it, but at the moment we aren’t sure what those exact issues will be.  What we do know is that we have to be observant of each other’s behavior and let each other know when we observe anything.

One thing we did agree upon though is that leading into this Thanksgiving, we will not be at a loss for things we will be thankful for.