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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Now is the Time – A Loving Fight

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Now is the Time When You Show How Much You Care – Ronnie Lott

I was driving to work today listening to talk radio and heard Hall of Fame defensive back Ronnie Lott talking about his foundation and giving.  I was thinking to myself about how hard it must be to give at this time of year and in this economy.  Doing some of my own fundraising for our kid’s school I was sensitive to his comments.  But he inspired me by saying how he didn’t get as much from everyone but got more people to participate.

I’m feeling that right now.  As I ran last night I was thinking about my “Secret Santa” exchange which our family set up and just remembered how fortunate I feel that my wife is still with me and that my kids still have their mother.  I’ve decided that I have all the gifts I need.  If someone wants to give me a gift, they can donate those dollars to my wife’s cancer clinic, the Carol Franc Buck Breast Care Center.  My family is pretty bitter that I’m ruining their Secret Santa because I don’t want anything, but that is truly how I feel.  Even if they gave me something I truly want or have wanted, I just can’t enjoy it this year.  Now is not the time for me to be greedy.  I know my family wants to give me something, but I’ve been a materialistic person my whole life and right now my wife is the only thing I want and am so glad to have her.  

Maybe it is the stress of the holiday season, work integration projects, the bad economy, and my wife’s upcoming surgery this Friday, but I just can’t sleep or feel like I can rest.  Now is not the time to be selfish.  No matter how bad life is, the only way to feel better right now is not to feel sorry for onesself, but to make yourself feel better through the gift of giving to others.

Maybe my wife’s energy level is what is driving me.  She seems to be so strong now while on OS, Tamoxifen and bisphosphonates while staring surgery in the face again.  I just don’t know how she does it, but maybe for her now is the time as well.  I can only gather strength from her this holiday season which will be the greatest gift of all.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Mood Swings, MRI Results – Fighting Breast Cancer

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“It’s time to focus not only on the opportunity we have, but how we can improve.  It’s also a time to communicate openly”.

Every day brings new results, new problems, new hope, etc.  Every day we run into someone else we tell about the cancer and they offer their help.  It is also a time to spot the problems in your relationship.  The pychological impact of living with cancer is now starting to really creep into our relationship.

I hate myself sometimes.  How can I argue with my wife who is struggling with cancer and is about to face a key life event?  I want so much for her to be happy, but obviously this cancer is creating tension that strains the fabric of your relationship.  We have always noted our issues in our marriage, but in times of crisis, these small things get magnified.

Our basic problem is the same as everyone else.  You’ve seen the commercials where the husband and wife go shopping and asks for his choice on color for shoes, and other items and whatever he picks, she goes with the other?  Well that is our life in a nutshell.  To be honest I am okay with this on most matters of trivial decision-making.  In fact, I’m partly to blame as I’ve always been attracted to neurotic people.  My dad used to say “It hasn’t been easy” when asked about his marriage.  I’ve never wanted the storybook marriage,.  I want excitement, challenges, change, etc.  My wife has given me all of that and I find many of her quirks very endearing,  but these days my frustration is growing as I try to be helpful.  My wife is asking me which doctor she should go to and choosing the other one, asking me which reconstruction size she should try and going with the other one and on and on and on……I finally lashed out last night and told her that if she wanted to go this alone, then go right ahead.  I told her I was the one feeling like he was on an island and if she had a choice, then don’t ask me anymore.  I wasn’t sure if she was disagreeing with my choices or really choosing what she wanted.  I didn’t want her to choose the wrong one because it had become a habit to go with the other choice.  In the end, I didn’t need to be disagreed with, but rather just have her choose what she wanted.  I told her that this is no longer a game and that I can’t take the rejection along with the stress.  I’m here to provide support but not at the expense of being bashed against the rocks.

Was I being selfish?  Insensitive?  Fortunately my wife came around and apologized.  I told her this has to stop completely.  Not just now, but after 20 years of this, I was flat broken down.  We can’t be like this and revert back to our bad habits when we are faced with this life crisis.  We made up, but it made us both think.

I reminded her that we have to start dreaming again like we said we would do at the beginning.  Separate dreams, big dreams, long-term dreams would help us.  We also needed to work on eliminating some of our faults, our unnecessary habits, and other things which we waste our time and effort on each day.  It was just the contrarian in my wife.  She never rejects my thoughts maliciously.  She just always likes to see the other side of the coin. If my glass is half full, hers is half empty and vice versa.  Some say that we are perfect complements to each other.  Well sometimes being black and white isn’t always the best.  Being gray together helps bring the harmony.

Well we were at least dragged out of our despair with a great email this morning from her canecer surgeon.  She wrote that my wife’s MRI came back clear on her nodes and both breasts other than the cancer we’ve identified.  This increases the chances even more that my wife will not require any sort of chemo, radiation or other unlikely road bumps that will alter her recovery.  The last hurdle will be the final pathology of the cancer and the nodes which occurs post-surgery.  We’re almost there at the top of the mountain it seems and yet we haven’t even started to get our harnesses on.

We are now on a high again on that emotional roller coaster.  The energy is flowing for both of us.  we can now get back to work and focus on being productive in life, work, and our marriage for the next two weeks.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Meeting the Plastic Surgeon – Alternative Breast Cancer Options

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” I’m sorry for being selfish.  Cancer is affecting both of us more than I let on”

We had our first disagreement since my wife’s diagnosis with breast cancer and it ironically happened after meeting with the plastic surgeon.  Stepping back, my wife has been given the opportunity to have a surgery that is not offered everywhere to everyone.  In fact, it was not an option we were aware of until we met with our breast cancer surgeon.  4 years prior when my mother had breast cancer, the skin-sparing mastectomy was not readily offered.  When originally told my wife was eligible for a lumpectomy, we both felt relieved, yet my wife and I knew that this is something we wanted to be overwith since both of our mothers had chosen for mastectomies and were doing fine (hers ahad a double or bilateral and my mother only had a single).  We chose for a bilateral mastectomy given all the options and our doctor told us this was not unusual for people our age.

It had been about 10 days since my we met with the cancer surgeon and now we were meeting with our plastic surgeon.  The process was very complete and they had typed up our laundry list of questions (recovery time, how is it done, infections, time of surgery, pictures, etc.).  As a husband, you are wondering who is this guy?  What does he look like?  Is he some slick tanned golfer?  A pervert? Actually he was perfect.  A no-nonsense guy and very matter-of-fact.  Interestingly enough there were more people in our room for the plastic surgery consultation than in with the cancer surgery consultation.  This is where my diagreement with my wife occurred. 

I am in this strictly for my wife and mother of our children.  If she had decided against reconstruction that is her choice.  It is her boday and I’d be happy with it.  We’ve had many discussions on this topic in private and she knows I am with her every step of the way.  Before diagnosed with breast cancer my wife had been undergoing therapy for a bad back as caused by her size DD breasts.  Ironically a mastectomy would reduce that weight and hopefully help her.We had both come to the conclusion that if she wanted to have reconstruction that a smaller size would be great as long as it was good for her.  I told her that I was in agremement as long as it was up to her.

What many men don’t realize that this is a very serious topic and not the same as some starlet getting new breasts.  Check out this idiot’s article in Glamour that upset my wife today!  This is my wife and I am not some kid in a candy shop.  If you had asked me before I would have told you I’m a leg man.  BUT, my wife’s breasts are part of her identity whether she hates them or not.  Without them she’d probably be off balance emotionally as well as physically.  I think that the average large breasted women are more inclined to say that they want reconstruction (at a smaller size) after their surgery because they know what is is like.  I don’t know about smaller sized women who want bigger breasts (post-cancer surgery).

Anyway, my wife is the typical person who asks me questions all the time, but this is not the one time when I wanted her to do that.  The plastic surgeon and his team pointedly asked me questions several times and I deftly pitched them to my wife saying it is her decision.  I felt like the team was trying to make sure I wasn’t some “pig” husband trying to push his wife into getting a fake rack.  My wife kept coming back to me and saying.  Should I have a “C’ or a “D”? 

Look, “This isn’t like choosing shoes or trying on clothes”, I yelled at her afterwards. “These people are trying to make sure YOU want this and that I am not pushing you to do this.  I want YOU to show them this is your decision and not OURS!  The only thing I want is for you to be happy with whatever you get”.

To my wife’s credit, she wasn’t focused on my thoughts and predicament.  This was the normal way we made decisions everyday.  We have always been a 50/50 couple.  She didn’t realize she was putting me on the spot in front of the surgeon and his team.  She forgot about my feelings and the stress I was under as well.  I reminded her that because of costs, you can’t change your mind 50 million times when shopping like she does at Target.  I might not go to any follow up meetings with my wife and the plastic surgeon as I don’t want to be on the spot again and I don’t want to be scrutinized like that again.  Society does that to you.  I know there will be people in the future who will look at my wife and say, “Oh, she has a fake rack.  Her husband must be a pig for doing that”.  I even might have been one of those people.  Never again. 

Other than that the consultation did provide some eye-opening informations.  Overall it is only adding 45 minutes to the total surgery.  Each mastectomy takes about 2 hours.  His part takes 45 minutes.  Once the cancer surgeon is done with the first breast, and moves to the second breast, he can start.  Recovery should be two weeks and they say not to drive for 2 weeks because you likely can’t react for several weeks fast enough without hurting yourself.  Then (depending upon any radiation or chemo) you get pumped with saline in 4 weekly sessions.    After the sessions, you get the saline replaced with silicone in a separate procedure.  If there is radiation and or chemo involved, they wait until after the treatments to swap out the saline.  They say infections do occur within 20% of the patients and that is because of the radiation most likely.

The skin-sparing surgery my wife is having is the most interesting and newest part of the procedure.  it must be done at the same time as the cancer surgery.  It preserves the nipple and is done through a crescent shaped incision above the nipple.  In the past, this incision was done with the nipple removal.  This surgery thus does not require nipple reconstruction or tattooing.  Amazingly enough in looking at pictures provied by the pysician, he showed us some photos which were amazing.  in 2 of the 3 that he showed us, the woman had chosedn to get a lumpectomy and then later had to have mastectomies.  That sealed the deal.  It told us that my wife was making a very informed and yet not -so radical decision to have the bilateral mastectomy.

Next up: The MRI and genetic testing