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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Racing Down the Highway – Life is a Highway

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I’m Driving like Hell, Racing Down the Highway – Blake Shelton

Although the lyrics above are from a song about a guy who realized he let his woman get away without telling her how much she means to him (which is not my case), those words seems to express my feelings these days about how my life is going.  I feel like I’m spending my days on those things which I shouldn’t and not on the people and things that matter.  Have I lost perspective?  It’s so easy to find your way in life one day and then lose it.  Yes, just like driving without a map, going 85 mph and not talking to the other people in the back seat.

 As I write this I’m sitting in the 3rd Floor waiting room of the CPMC Carol Franc Buck Cancer Clinic waiting for my wife who is undergoing her 3 hour reconstruction which includes a brief procedure from her cancer surgeon to clear margins that will help reduce her chance of cancer returning.  This surgery will be about half the time of her original surgery.  It is a weird feeling as I felt so prepared for her original surgery that today’s procedure both of us felt so unprepared.  The results maybe aren’t so much about mortality I guess, but I feel like I haven’t given today’s proceedings as much attention as they deserve.  The same goes with the time I’ve had to spend with our kids. 

Last night we each had a brain dump of thoughts.  When we communicate it is almost like a game of chess with a time clock.  First me for 1 minute, then her for a minute, then me, then her, etc.  We race through topics such as how she ran into her friend Jessica at the Starbucks (Jessica is also a breast cancer survivor and an inspiration to my wife), how our son was nominated for a summer Young Scholars program, holiday dinner plans, coordinating pick up of her parents from the airport, etc.  This type of communication might not work for many, but it works for us.  Twenty-four years together will do that to you.  In the end we finally smiled and did a sanity check (maybe it should be an insanity check).  How are we feeling?  Are we prepared for this next surgery?  Is she feeling side effects from the hormone therapy? Apologies to each other are also part of the conversation.  These are mostly from me for the guilt of not being there as much as I wish I could, but she understands the stress we are all going through.  Who says love is about never having to say you’re sorry?

Back to the present, I’m sitting here waiting with two other gentlemen and have about 90 more minutes to go of waiting.  The smile on her face as she chatted her way through the swinging surgical doors are so typical of her, and so atypical of the image of someone going in for a major surgery.  The looks of concern on their faces tell me that their cases seem more grave.  There is a certain somberness in this room that hits me and reminds me of sitting in this room three months ago.  There is a déjà vu with the smells and sounds all around me.  I hope we never have to be here again.  Once again the stress and anxiety of the week have caught up.  The sleepless nights have me and I need to rest.

The next 90 minutes are going to be spent napping and listening to an iPod mix of inspirational songs.

Hopefully the next couple of days will let me catch up, slow down and give everything its proper attention.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Now is the Time – A Loving Fight

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Now is the Time When You Show How Much You Care – Ronnie Lott

I was driving to work today listening to talk radio and heard Hall of Fame defensive back Ronnie Lott talking about his foundation and giving.  I was thinking to myself about how hard it must be to give at this time of year and in this economy.  Doing some of my own fundraising for our kid’s school I was sensitive to his comments.  But he inspired me by saying how he didn’t get as much from everyone but got more people to participate.

I’m feeling that right now.  As I ran last night I was thinking about my “Secret Santa” exchange which our family set up and just remembered how fortunate I feel that my wife is still with me and that my kids still have their mother.  I’ve decided that I have all the gifts I need.  If someone wants to give me a gift, they can donate those dollars to my wife’s cancer clinic, the Carol Franc Buck Breast Care Center.  My family is pretty bitter that I’m ruining their Secret Santa because I don’t want anything, but that is truly how I feel.  Even if they gave me something I truly want or have wanted, I just can’t enjoy it this year.  Now is not the time for me to be greedy.  I know my family wants to give me something, but I’ve been a materialistic person my whole life and right now my wife is the only thing I want and am so glad to have her.  

Maybe it is the stress of the holiday season, work integration projects, the bad economy, and my wife’s upcoming surgery this Friday, but I just can’t sleep or feel like I can rest.  Now is not the time to be selfish.  No matter how bad life is, the only way to feel better right now is not to feel sorry for onesself, but to make yourself feel better through the gift of giving to others.

Maybe my wife’s energy level is what is driving me.  She seems to be so strong now while on OS, Tamoxifen and bisphosphonates while staring surgery in the face again.  I just don’t know how she does it, but maybe for her now is the time as well.  I can only gather strength from her this holiday season which will be the greatest gift of all.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Finding our Heart – Fighting for Life

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If you lost love, do you know where to find it? – One Republic

My wife has reached what I think is her second wind in this battle.  She has resumed her gym membership, gotten off all of her pain killers, started wearing bras again, watching old episodes of Sex and the City (the ones where Kim Cattrall has cancer and laughs about hot flashes), and strted her 3 years of hormonal therapy (Tamoxifen).  She gets her first OS shot in two days.

What else?  She has completed her shopping list for the holidays and is getting ready to send out the holiday cards.  She has an energy and zest for life I haven’t seen in a while.  She cracked me up tonight when she mentioned that when her 75 year old mother comes to visit for the holidays that she is going to drag her to the clinic to get tested for the BRACA gene.  All of this energy is so beautiful in my eyes.  I am thinking of the days when my wife wanted to just curl up and cry.  This was all a little over 3 months ago.

Now we laugh at Kim Cattrall in a bad bra and wig giving a cancer speech while suffering through hot flashes.  Obviously not funny to all but we are having to laugh at it knowing that we are just around the corner from all of that.  Somehow just commiserating has helped her find her heart.  Our heart.  We’ve lost it the past few months as we wrapped it in armor and tried to protect ourselves from the pain.  The armor seems to have been shed and we are coming out again just in time for the holidays.

I can’t take credit though for her recovery.  Its is all her.  Her fight, her energy, her love, her heart.  I’m so glad she has returned to me and our kids.  He’s been there the whole time physically, but her true being is starting to come back and the smiles in our house are returning.

Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Confidence is a Drug – Life is a Highway

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“I am Superwoman, Put an S on my chest” – Alicia Keys

Continuing my theme of letting go, my wife is starting to do a lot of little things which are showing her confidence and need for independence from going grocery shopping alone to resuming her exercise.  It is a simple thing sometimes but I can trace this renewed energy just from a simple invite from some of the “popular moms” in our kids school who asked her to join them for an evening out.  It really made my wife feel good to still fit in.  I know her confidence wiill ebb over the next few months as she goes through her recontstruction and deal with both the emotional and physical scars.

Interestingly enough we had the same conversation about confidence with our own children.  We want to teach them humbleness.  While both are well liked by their classmates we want to teach them to be humble individuals and help them for the inevitable day when they receive rejection and teach them how to handle it.

Part of gaining confidence is providing exposure to as much as possible.  As a parent it is our job to show our children as much as we can while providing guidance.  As we go through our lives our parenting takes on many forms that are influenced by our own experiences.  We sometimes learn by giving our children things that our parents couldn’t give us or providing many of those same experiences.  For me, I miss those moments with my dad and this weekend I was able to take my son to his 1st  Big Game (Cal vs. Stanford football), but it is was more than just a game.  As I say, it is always the experience of getting there, and taking a 9 year old to Berkeley is always an eye-opening experience.  Blondies Pizza, Top Dog, the homeless, Rasputin’s Records, etc are all part of the mystique after taking Bart to Berkeley.  For our son (and some day our daughter) the experience started with listening to the Cal Band. 

After listening to the Cal Band we marched up to the stadium with them.  The smile and laughter that he had watching the band made me tear up.  30 years ago that was me with my dad.  I only hope my dad felt as satisfied with giving me that same experience and I showed him the same amount of gratitude.  The casual conversation about the history of the schools and the area were part of a great day of bonding that hopefully will create many pleasant memories for my son because they sure did for me.

My wife and I are still being cautious about the post-surgery experience and what it will mean to us.  I think we know how it will be physically but psychologically we’ve been talking about some of our concerns and issues each night.  We will have to work through it, but at the moment we aren’t sure what those exact issues will be.  What we do know is that we have to be observant of each other’s behavior and let each other know when we observe anything.

One thing we did agree upon though is that leading into this Thanksgiving, we will not be at a loss for things we will be thankful for.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Living in Limbo – The Highway of Life

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Is it making you laugh?  Is it making you cry? – Sugarland

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with my wife’s oncologist.  I hope we can come to a decision on what we are doing going forward.  We really are in limbo here.  I feel as if we are being held captive by surgery dates, concerns about travel, medications, etc.  Holiday travel and just getting on with life and living it the way we’ve discussed is what we are looking forward to.  I’m already looking forward to taking her to see Elton John in Vegas for Valentine’s Day 2009.  Its one of those once in a lifetime shows that I think we need to see.  We just missed seeing James Brown last year and had tickets to see a show but he died.

As I mentioned in my last entry, this journey has really helped me to assess my love for my wife.  Each night when I run, I remind myself of all of our great memories and all the things I still want to do with her.  They say when you run, you can get a runner’s high.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I matched my highschool cross country times from over 20 years ago on our cross country course. I wasn’t even trying and I was a little shocked when I checked my watch.  It was a full minute faster than I’d been runing this month.  All I remember doing was listening some music by Sugarland and the next thing you know my run was over.  I barely even remember running up the steep hill near the end of my run.  I was listening so intently to the lyrics of one of their songs, I just lost track of my time.

Well eat your heart Dara Torres!  I too can do in my 40s what those half our age can do.  Now I just wish we could find the time to accomplish more in life.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Many Different Stories – One Destiny

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“We have so many different stories, and one single destiny”

When I went running tonight (it is usually where I do my thinking) I replayed this historic week and its place in history.  Our first President of ethnicity is one piece.  The way he was able to gain the support of the majority of our country in just 22 months with a grass roots campaign through modern communication techniques was brilliant yet a throwback to traditional ways of fundraising and campaigning. 

Whether you were for or against the President-elect I looked at it as a big time in our society and a great learning one.  I wasn’t alive for JFK or for MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech, I hear the stories of the many people who know where they were when they heard that speech.  I’m not sure, but I’m guessing Barack Obama’s “Yes We Can” speech will be one for the ages.

That is why I had my 9 year old son listen to both John McCain’s concession speech and Barack Obama’s victory speech with me.  My 6 year old daughter is too young.  While I know it might have been boring to an adult’s ear, I’m sure for a young kid that it might not have meant much.  I just wanted my son to remember sitting on the couch with his dad while he listened.  I told him that he didn’t need to remember the speech but to remember and take something from the speech.  When it was over, I asked him what he got out of it.  he mentioned the 100 year old lady who had seen a lot of change.  He then said, “We are country full of people with many stories, yet one destiny”.

I asked if he understood and he told me that like our family, we are four different people with different storied , but we do things together as a family.  Just like a team.  Kids are so great.  Their minds are clear and they help us see things in a different light.  I hadn’t even picked up that line until my son mentioned it.  Over the next several days I applied it on many different levels.  I applied it to Work, Family , and even my classmates that I saw at my 25th high school reunion.  The stories are diverse and should be celebrated.

Most importantly I thought about the many stories of the women such as my wife and mother who have battled or are battling cancer.  Their stories are varied yet all of these women have one destiny and that is to find the cure for and beat cancer.  Their stories have inspired me.  I was talking to my wife who told me that a mom wanted to interview her because she found my wife to be an inspiration.  While my wife does not find herself to be an inspiring figure, she was flattered and it made her feel good. 

I reminded my wife that change begins from within.  We recounted how my mother has changed in her fight over the last 5 years.  I told her that she shouldn’t passively be an inspiration, but to be a little more active in how she affects others.  We agreed that it is a time to say “Yes We Can” and I say that in a non-political way, but at an individual interest level. 

For me, as we approach this holiday season and I look forward to this work week, I will bring my own destiny and inspiration to my actions.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Scarred & Healing – A Loving Fight

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Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears – it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear. But for many of my neurological patients, music is even more – it can provide access, even when no medication can, to movement, to speech, to life. For them, music is not a luxury, but a necessity.
 
— Oliver Sacks
Neurologist and author of The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain

The above quote was on my Starbucks cup of coffee this afternoon.  It seems appropriate given the feeling my wife had after the Madonna concert this past weekend.  The music inspired her to take action. 

She is getting impatient though.  Her exchange surgery has been delayed and she doesn’t seem to be getting a response.    I know she wants to get the expanders removed ASAP.  She has seen that her initial scars from the surgery have already healed. She is already started to lessen her medication and is now ready for the final removal if we can get a date for the final exchange.  Once again the waiting game is affecting us.

Her strength those is inspiring me.  I am so impressed by her ability to move forward.  Her ability to manage the kids, her job, the house, our crazy family schedule and her own illness is something I am unable to feel or understand.  All I can do is give her my undying support and make her feel loved and appreciated.  It is all I’ve got.  I wish I could do more.  Right now though I know she also wants and needs her parents and i need them to understand that they can’t wait for her to ask for them but rather for them to show their unrequested support.  It will only help in her healing process.  The scars are there, but the pain and feeling of hope will make her feel better

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Remembering to Smell the Roses

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“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy.  They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom” – Proust

Today’s quote was in a card we got from the family of one our kid’s schoolmates.  This family lost their mother this past summer after a 6 year battle with breast cancer.  She was only 39.  This means she was only 33 when diagnosed and by then it was too late.  They say women she start getting yearly mammograms around ages 35-40.  They should start getting them earlier than that.  And even then mammograms aren’t always helpful.

The card hit me particularly hard.  It was sent from the father and the two sons.  When I think how close I was to that being me I just couldn’t focus all weekend.  I just can’t imagine what it is like to be a young father and having to raise two children on my own.  I remember when I would go the funerals of the fathers of my friends and cousins I would cry for them and for me.  I knew it would hurt the day I lost my own dad.  When it did happen to me I wasn’t able to cry.  it came out slowly over several years.  Now every time I see a parent die prematurely I will cry for those children, but when it happens to me I obviously won’t be able to cry.

This morning I had an early morning meeting with a potential partner.  When the meeting started the San Francisco weather was its usual overacast and fog.  When I came out it was beautifully sunny.  After dropping my colleagues at the airport I was hungry.  Of course in these recession times I figured some dim sum from San Francisco’s Clement St. would make a nice cheap lunch and I’d see if my wife could meet me at home since it was on the way back.  I remember those old movies when the husband would come home for lunch.  I knew she was lonely at home and I just needed to see her.  You don’t get to do this often.  This past weekend we went on our first real night out since her surgery.  Of course all we did on our first night without the kids was talk about the kids and go grocery shopping.

This time although it was just a 25 minute lunch, it seemed more special since it was spontaneous.  We felt like we were stealing time together after all these years.  it does take moments like this that help you to smell the roses.  We didn’t have to say to each other how nice it was to eat a lunch together on a Monday.  It was just understood. 

More moments like this are needed in our daily lives.  Smelling the Roses opens the senses, makes you smile, and reminds you why you give the maximum effort each day.  We should all try to be a chraming gardener to make the souls of others blossom in their moment of need.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Life is Not Fair – Life is a Highway

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“I sure didn’t see it coming, but it was coming”

Today was another one of those days in life that you don’t forget.  I remember being straight out of college the first day I saw people laid off or fired from work.  It was pretty traumatic back then on Black Monday.  Today wasn’t quite Black Monday but 20 years later it still is painful.  Watching two young kids I hired get laid off along with a dad who has two young kids as well as another who has a baby on the way.  It never feels right and I’m sure it won’t be the last time I have to feel the sorrow.  My friend with 2 kids told me he saw it coming but never thought it would be him.

The economy today just makes everything more complex.

Today was the last day of my wife’s fills and now we wait for the date of what will hopefully be her final surgery.  She looks extremely uncomfortable but doesn’t complain.  Our concern now is (or maybe my biggest concern) that she be happy with the results and comfortable in her own skin (yes, because it is)  Now at 625 ccs, that just seems huge, but I’m sure it will all get adjusted in the end.  I just want her to find herself again.  I hope that isn’t too much to ask.  I want her to find herself for her and not for me.  Today she is trying to find herself for me and not for her.

I told her not to rush things.  I love her and know that things will be normal again in time.  I’ll wait.  Good things come to those who wait.  Life is throwing lots of curves at us right now and we will endure.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Playing Hard & Never Giving Up – Life is a Highway

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“Don’t Stop Until the Whistle Blows”

This week I finished a fundraising event  for our school that has taken up much of the last 2 and a half months.  In this economy it is tough to fathom how hard it is to ask people to donate their time and money.  You ask once and not two or three times like the old days.  I am so grateful to all the people who were able to attend and enjoy a wonderful day.  It meant so much to hear all the people say how wonderful a time they had know that for a day much of the troubles of the economy were forgotten.

This weekend was a little different than last.  As we waited to go out for our first soccer game of the day, we caught a little of the movie “We are Marshall”, on TV.  There’s a scene when the coach talks to his team before their first game and telling them about how they can’t replace the team before them that died in a crash the year before, but that if they give it their all and don’t stop until the whistle blows that they’ll all be winners no matter what the score.  As I watched the movie I saw my children listening.  They hardly ever listen to dialogue in a movie.  We had to leave before the movie ended but our children asked about what happened as we drove to our daughter’s game.  Both children played with heart today.  It was so fun to see.  What a difference a week makes from last week.  I don’t know if it was the movie, the weather, or just the time of day, but all seemed much better than last week.

It made me think about where we are with our fight against breast cancer.  When will that whistle blow?  Maybe never.  That is why we have to live and play every day with heart and joy for our opportunity that we have.  Don’t sweat the little things and just live life to its fullest.  Tomorrow will be the last fill and then we will wait a few weeks for the final surgery.  Just in time to be thankful at Thanksgiving.

I guess we’re really at the beginning of our journey.  We have many journeys and this one although filled with much heartache and pain to start is just beginning and hopefully will only get smoother.  This past week my wife found out that a friend she told to get examined found that she had breast cancer.  At first we felt so sad that we had encouraged her to do something that brought bad news, but then she was thanked and realized that she is one of the many cancer survivors who will help to spread the word to others.  I saw a T-shirt this weekend from one of the many breast cancer fundraisers and it said it best: “Hope Begins with Us”.  It really does.

As an aside, I do have to say that I saw another T-shirt that my mother, a breast cancer survivor of 4 years, sent me.  Sometimes we are so close to this disease that we forget we have great examples around us all the time.  In the last 10 years my mother has lost her husband of 50 years, both her parents, and had breast cancer yet she is living a full and productive life.  She is currently on her third international trip of the year.  This time she is in Egypt after visiting Morocco and South Africa earlier in the year. 

It made me laugh to know that my mother is on the other side of the world yet thinking of us and sending us crazy stuff on email.  It really hit me on so many levels including the funny bone:

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