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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Power of Positive – Life is a Highway

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“I don’t want to be a Ee-yore”

I got back from my run tonight and realized that I am just short of 1,000 miles for the year.  Since I don’t run competitively anymore it really means 6500 minutes of thinking time.  Time to contemplate my life, my problems, my failures, my hopes and most importantly my solutions.

I’ve always thought that there has to be an answer to things.  Most importantly, there is an answer to sadness and failure.  You just have to think things out.  This weekend while seemingly normal (if you can call it that) It has been hard lately in our house.  It was a hard weekend emotionally as we had to revisit our situation.  Once the negative thoughts and comments creep in, it just changes the tone of our home.  I noticed my wife was raining on my parade a bit over the last week.  She’s always been the realist in our relationship while I have been the dreamer.  We have always worked hard to balance each other out without the expense of ruining the other person’s day.  This has changed though, recently, and we had to have a bit of a discussion to clear the air.  Lots of tears were shed.  Thoughts of frustration over the delay of surgery and the starting of Tamoxifen treatment had a greater change in outlook than expected.

I also realized that I was remaining distant.  It wasn’t because i was avioiding my wife but rather because she was pushing me away by not wanting to hear my opinion.  It is hard. You try to be selfish with your time, yet to be there for the other psrson.  I’m finding it hard to stay positive for the both of us when I’m tired and not feeling heard.

Last week our visit to the oncologist was long as usual.  I went along for support.  It had been a while since i had been back to the cancer clinic and although it is a pleasant place for a cancer clinic, it is a place where you lose your ability to control the situation.  The wait for our reknowned oncologist while waiting in an 8′ x 10′ foot room is always nerve-wracking.  It gave us time to communicate though.  I told my wife that although I was there to support her, the decision she made for her treatment was all hers.  I told her any kind of optional treatment that meant getting shots or inconveniencing myself were my deal breakers although that ahould not be method of reasoning.  She agreed and after listening to the fellow, she told me she was going to choose Tamoxifen with Ovarian suppression.    I told her I was definitely going to support her no matter what.  Well 10 minutes later and her oncologist walks in and convinces her to go with a bisphosphonate trial.

As we walked out, my wife said, “I know what you are thinking.”  I told her it was typical of her not going with my opinion and even worse not sticking with her own convictions.  I told her I was still okay with her choice, but I could tell she was frustrated with herself.  This carried into her negative thoughts and comments over the last few days.  She was frustrated in not being able to control things and that for once she was not able to do it her way or felt like she was just putting her life in the hands of another.

I told her that her concerns were legitimate and that she was just going to have to stick with her convictions or be more open to listening to others.  On the other hand I promised to not be so “darned positive”.

Well we should hear tomorrow when the next surgery will be.  That should help bury some of the frustration of not knowing and not being in charge.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Why the Analogy with Roads, Highways, Journeys, etc.?

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“Life is a Highway, I want to ride it all night long” – Rascal Flatts

People have emailed me and asked why I title many of my posts as Life is a Highway.  Well it is the name of a little song by a country band, Rascal Flatts.  I’m not a country enthusiast but I find the song catchy, uplifting and I found the lyrics to how I want to live life:

One of my main points that I live my life by is to enjoy the journey because sometimes no matter how great the reward is at the end, the effort and experience of getting there is more rewarding.  Whether it is driving across the country and enjoying the beautiful scenery, completing a huge task successfully with a group of people who show a great sense of teamwork, or fighting cancer and finding out who your friends really are, there are so many journeys that we all take each day.  The car, my car, Herbie, is also my vehicle that gets me around town.  to me there is no other car windshield that I ‘d rather watch people through as my journey crosses the streets of San Francisco each day.  I was lucky to be born in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and there is no use avoiding its rich culture and history.

Someone else asked me why I seem to write my updates late at night.  Well it is usually the first time all day that I take for myself and I often go running late at night.  It is so peaceful out and I run like I live my life.  I’ve always been a distance runner and when I run I love to soak in the surroundings.  I get to run two very beautiful streets at night which are now lined with holiday lights already.  Tonight I soaked in the crisp air, stared at the full moon through the branches, and window shopped along world famous Fillmore St. and Sacramento St. .  Window shopping is really cheap when all the stores are closed already.  Smelling the perfume of women walking home, men smelling like their fifth bourbon, and the smells of the fries from the Johnny Rockets burger joint all are spices of life that I soak in on my run each evening.

It’s not just my journey that I enjoy, but the journeys of others.

Why run?  Why run so late?  Running is for my life.  High Cholesterol runs in my family and I do it for me and my kids.  Blogging is for me and my kids too.  I was a terrible history student , but I do vow that I will not repeat my dad’s mistakes.   Although my dad was a wonderful dad, he kept his feelings to himself.  The stresses I think ultimately led to his heart attack.  Expressing myself is something I aim to do through my blogging.  My goal is to be there for my grandchildren.  I want to give back to them.  With our generation living longer than our ancestors ever did, I hope to be able to give to my grandchildren life lessons that my own father never got to provide to his own grandchildren.

I mentioned my wife’s cancer.  It has been a rough journey.  Someone asked me why I wouldn’t want to talk about such a horrible experience.  Well life has many bumps and we tend to suppress the bad memories and focus on the good ones.  For me this journey through cancer has been a great learning experience for me.  I’ve learned so much about myself, my love for my wife, and my respect for the limited time we have on this Earth.  I will never forget these days, the pain, the joys and the many people I may never see again.  And if I do, I can look back and hopefully see a person on these pages who has grown.

Alright, time to pull over and get some rest!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Remembering to Smell the Roses

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“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy.  They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom” – Proust

Today’s quote was in a card we got from the family of one our kid’s schoolmates.  This family lost their mother this past summer after a 6 year battle with breast cancer.  She was only 39.  This means she was only 33 when diagnosed and by then it was too late.  They say women she start getting yearly mammograms around ages 35-40.  They should start getting them earlier than that.  And even then mammograms aren’t always helpful.

The card hit me particularly hard.  It was sent from the father and the two sons.  When I think how close I was to that being me I just couldn’t focus all weekend.  I just can’t imagine what it is like to be a young father and having to raise two children on my own.  I remember when I would go the funerals of the fathers of my friends and cousins I would cry for them and for me.  I knew it would hurt the day I lost my own dad.  When it did happen to me I wasn’t able to cry.  it came out slowly over several years.  Now every time I see a parent die prematurely I will cry for those children, but when it happens to me I obviously won’t be able to cry.

This morning I had an early morning meeting with a potential partner.  When the meeting started the San Francisco weather was its usual overacast and fog.  When I came out it was beautifully sunny.  After dropping my colleagues at the airport I was hungry.  Of course in these recession times I figured some dim sum from San Francisco’s Clement St. would make a nice cheap lunch and I’d see if my wife could meet me at home since it was on the way back.  I remember those old movies when the husband would come home for lunch.  I knew she was lonely at home and I just needed to see her.  You don’t get to do this often.  This past weekend we went on our first real night out since her surgery.  Of course all we did on our first night without the kids was talk about the kids and go grocery shopping.

This time although it was just a 25 minute lunch, it seemed more special since it was spontaneous.  We felt like we were stealing time together after all these years.  it does take moments like this that help you to smell the roses.  We didn’t have to say to each other how nice it was to eat a lunch together on a Monday.  It was just understood. 

More moments like this are needed in our daily lives.  Smelling the Roses opens the senses, makes you smile, and reminds you why you give the maximum effort each day.  We should all try to be a chraming gardener to make the souls of others blossom in their moment of need.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Getting invigorated – Life is a Highway

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“Thanks for doing your civic duty”

Every year we all get that letter.  Jury duty!  Well today I served my first day of the year.  Jury duty in San Francisco like most large cities is a real study on human social anthropology.  You spend half your morning trying to figure out who has a legitimate excuse for not serving and who really does not speak English.  You come back in the afternoon and find that despite being in a City that is 50% Asian that there is only one person of Asian ethnicity possibly on the jury.  As a people watcher, it is better than the DMV though.  There was one guy today who burst out singing Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour.  Believe me, I wouldn’t want that guy on my jury!

The afternoon of jury selection we learn who each other is and both the defense and plaintiff lawyers spend their time trying to figure out if they want to send us home.  I have yet to be asked a single question so I don’t know where I stand.  Tomorrow is the final day of jury selection I suspect.  It is actually very stressful as I look around the room.  The economy is very poor right now and I know many people do not feel comfortable leaving their jobs for several days.  I did have a chance to meet a lady in the Public Health Department who used to work for my dad.   I recognized her from some photos my dad had from work.  She told me that my dad was a wonderful and caring boss and man.  It has been three years, but it still feels good to hear how my dad’s memories still stick with people.

All that sitting around today did invigorate me.  I put lists and lists together as I waited my turn.  Because we were excused early for the day I was able to get home early and re-wire my bedroom and office.  I was also able to finally download some software that I’ve been meaning to do for 3 months,  I also had time to go on a 5 mile run tonight.  Runs for me are best when I have lots on my mind.  I remember where I put things that I lost, I solve problems that have been bugging me, I remember why I love my family and I give thanks to all that has been provided for me. Yes, I am so invigorated and motivated more than ever!  I even voted 2 weeks early for the election.  Secretly i just can’t stand any more people calling me about the elections.

Despite my wife’s recovery from breast cancer still being a “work in progress” we are almost back to normal.  Planning social events (dinners and nights out with friends).  It really is good to see and I am so proud of her.  At first I was just saying that I was proud, but now I really am proud and I think people are impressed to not only see her up and about, but really working so hard.  Right now I know she is feeling bloated from her expanders, but she is not taking any medication (painkillers, etc.).  I did get a chance to look at my wife’s scars today and quite frankly they look really good.  I think she is going to be just fine.

Well that is it for now…more on jury duty tomorrow.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Life is Not Fair – Life is a Highway

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“I sure didn’t see it coming, but it was coming”

Today was another one of those days in life that you don’t forget.  I remember being straight out of college the first day I saw people laid off or fired from work.  It was pretty traumatic back then on Black Monday.  Today wasn’t quite Black Monday but 20 years later it still is painful.  Watching two young kids I hired get laid off along with a dad who has two young kids as well as another who has a baby on the way.  It never feels right and I’m sure it won’t be the last time I have to feel the sorrow.  My friend with 2 kids told me he saw it coming but never thought it would be him.

The economy today just makes everything more complex.

Today was the last day of my wife’s fills and now we wait for the date of what will hopefully be her final surgery.  She looks extremely uncomfortable but doesn’t complain.  Our concern now is (or maybe my biggest concern) that she be happy with the results and comfortable in her own skin (yes, because it is)  Now at 625 ccs, that just seems huge, but I’m sure it will all get adjusted in the end.  I just want her to find herself again.  I hope that isn’t too much to ask.  I want her to find herself for her and not for me.  Today she is trying to find herself for me and not for her.

I told her not to rush things.  I love her and know that things will be normal again in time.  I’ll wait.  Good things come to those who wait.  Life is throwing lots of curves at us right now and we will endure.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Playing Hard & Never Giving Up – Life is a Highway

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“Don’t Stop Until the Whistle Blows”

This week I finished a fundraising event  for our school that has taken up much of the last 2 and a half months.  In this economy it is tough to fathom how hard it is to ask people to donate their time and money.  You ask once and not two or three times like the old days.  I am so grateful to all the people who were able to attend and enjoy a wonderful day.  It meant so much to hear all the people say how wonderful a time they had know that for a day much of the troubles of the economy were forgotten.

This weekend was a little different than last.  As we waited to go out for our first soccer game of the day, we caught a little of the movie “We are Marshall”, on TV.  There’s a scene when the coach talks to his team before their first game and telling them about how they can’t replace the team before them that died in a crash the year before, but that if they give it their all and don’t stop until the whistle blows that they’ll all be winners no matter what the score.  As I watched the movie I saw my children listening.  They hardly ever listen to dialogue in a movie.  We had to leave before the movie ended but our children asked about what happened as we drove to our daughter’s game.  Both children played with heart today.  It was so fun to see.  What a difference a week makes from last week.  I don’t know if it was the movie, the weather, or just the time of day, but all seemed much better than last week.

It made me think about where we are with our fight against breast cancer.  When will that whistle blow?  Maybe never.  That is why we have to live and play every day with heart and joy for our opportunity that we have.  Don’t sweat the little things and just live life to its fullest.  Tomorrow will be the last fill and then we will wait a few weeks for the final surgery.  Just in time to be thankful at Thanksgiving.

I guess we’re really at the beginning of our journey.  We have many journeys and this one although filled with much heartache and pain to start is just beginning and hopefully will only get smoother.  This past week my wife found out that a friend she told to get examined found that she had breast cancer.  At first we felt so sad that we had encouraged her to do something that brought bad news, but then she was thanked and realized that she is one of the many cancer survivors who will help to spread the word to others.  I saw a T-shirt this weekend from one of the many breast cancer fundraisers and it said it best: “Hope Begins with Us”.  It really does.

As an aside, I do have to say that I saw another T-shirt that my mother, a breast cancer survivor of 4 years, sent me.  Sometimes we are so close to this disease that we forget we have great examples around us all the time.  In the last 10 years my mother has lost her husband of 50 years, both her parents, and had breast cancer yet she is living a full and productive life.  She is currently on her third international trip of the year.  This time she is in Egypt after visiting Morocco and South Africa earlier in the year. 

It made me laugh to know that my mother is on the other side of the world yet thinking of us and sending us crazy stuff on email.  It really hit me on so many levels including the funny bone:

 CLICK HERE TO BUY IT

Route 53 - Life is A Highway

And the Beat Goes On – My Bucket List

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“I think we have a better persepective right now”

Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, one of the most expensive places in the country right now is an interesting study during this down economy.  Many people are talking about selling their homes, holding on to their jobs, downsizing, etc.  There still is a lot of materialism going on, people are contemplating which option to choose for a new leadership and yet for us, the world seems to be at a standstill.  All of these factors seem inconsequential right now and my wife said it best tonight, ” I think we have the best perspective right now”.

She’s right.  We have plenty to be thankful for.  Tonight I went for my first complete run in a while and the cold wind against my heated face felt so refreshing that I almost didn’t want to stop.  At this point, I’m refreshed with the perspective that I’ve lived about half my life expectancy and I need to start dreaming of what I want to do as well.  Just like a kid who dreams of being a fireman or an astronaut when they grow up, it is time for my bucket list.  The DVD we watched this weekend had a special piece about the guy who came up with the bucket list concept and mentioned that it is different for everyone depending upon their point in life, but here is my list with a little different organization:

Bucket List

  1. With my children – visit their ancestral countries of origin and provide a deep respect for those countries – Italy, France, China
  2. For my children – leave them with lessons for living a happy and productive life
  3. For my children – provide a healthy respect for parenthood and the love of their parents
  4. For my children – a childhood filled with laughter and pleasant memories
  5. With my wife – provide her with the self-confidence and self-esteem that makes her great
  6. With my wife – help and remind her to enjoy life and savor it.
  7. for me – play golf really well (break 80?)
  8. for me – learn to play a new instrument
  9. for me – learn some new Hawaiian cooking recipes
  10. For my family – play golf as a foursome in a beautiful setting. (at least play Pebble Beach with my son)
  11. For my family – Visit an inspiring natural state park
  12. General – provide a positive legacy for a community
  13. General – let friends and relatives know they are respected and loved
  14. General – Inspire someone to do the right thing

Well that is it for now.   That’s a lot to do before I kick the bucket!  I’ll add more later if needed

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Breathing Deeply – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“I can’t tell you anything else to tell you how much I love you”

After the good news to end the week, it was easy to take a deep breath, smile and be thankful.  Have we dodged a bullet?  Maybe, but we will be dodging it for a while.  I think that is why cancer victims rally and stick together.  The treatment time is for many years.  I might be wrong, but I’ve not noticed this kind of camaraderie and community of survivors for heart attack survivors or by-pass surgery survivors.

The weekend was filled with our children’s sports events (soccer and golf) as well as concerts, the Blue Angels, Fleet Week, and professional sporting events.  Our 9-year old golf prodigy son lost against an 18 year old in a golf match and although he’s tough on himself and had very little chance to win anyway, he gained a great perspective.  As a dad all you try to do is encourage your child and make sure that kind of event doesn’t damage him.  Afterwards I patted him on the back and told him how proud I was and that he was very poised and gracious in defeat.  He laughed and said, “Dad, he was twice my age.  It won’t be the last time I lose a match.  There are more important things if you know what I mean.” Nothing can make a parent more proud than to try and teach one’s child a life lesson and to be reminded of one of the more important lessons in life.  You just don’t expect to get reminded by a 9 year old.

That afternoon at the soccer match I caught my wife sitting on a grassy hill (making sure she didn’t get accidentally hit my a soccer ball)  She had her eyes closed and I wanted to make sure she wasn’t suffering from more exhaustion.  She smiled and replied, “I’m okay.  The sun feels good.  It has never felt this good.  I just want to soak it all in”.  It isn’t like she’d been out since the surgery, but I knew what she was doing.  Something she hadn’t done in a while.  She was smelling the roses.  The good news had taken a huge weight off her shoulders (something she hadn’t been able to express).

She looked so peaceful all by herself with the Blue Angel pilots flying over head during Fleet Week.  I’m sure she didn’t even hear the planes roaring.  We’ve aged so much in the last few months.  Maybe we haven’t aged, but we sure haved lived a lot.

I watched the “Bucket List” again with her and she sobbed.  It meant more to watch it now.  Her perspective changed now that the chemo was not in her near future.  She could laugh now.  Her own bucket list would now be more thoughtful.  Her sobs were of relief.  Of sorrow. Of joy. I had been afraid to hold her til now.  I didn’t want to hurt her.

Today was her fourth meeting with the plastic surgeon.  We’re almost done and he said that a middle of November final surgery for the swap would be likely.  It will give her time to rest before Thanksgiving.  The recovery time might be about 2 weeks and only 5% of all patients need drains afterward.  Along with the hormone therapy we decide on, it will be the last mile of this journey.  It will be a long last mile but a journey worth traveling.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Making a Difference & Feeling Fortunate

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“This is a part of me now.  Even without religion, this would be my religion”

Tomorrow morning we will meet the oncologist and hopefully get all our questions out of the way.  What is our score?  What does that mean?  What choices are there?  What are the risks?  What are the side effects?  How will that effect my/our lifestyle?  Blah! Blah! Blah!

My wife the eternal list maker has worked on a total of 4 pages of questions.  When she passed the list to me I could only smile.  She had the energy to create one of her famous “lists”.  Also on the list was, “Will it change my relationship with my husband?”  I told her to scratch it as I could answer that for her.  The answer is “yes”.  “Yes that it already has changed our love.  It has put it under a microscope and magnified it for us to inspect and see that it is okay.  It has shown us that we have enough love to go around”.

I know that it wasn’t “that kind of love” she was talking about, but I wanted her to know that the side effects weren’t going to change anything about how I feel and shouldn’t be a reason to change her decision.

Still uncomfortable, she calls her expanders a bullet proof vest or a chastity bra.  Humor has come out of her that I’ve never seen before.  Calling herself the Bionic Woman..”We can rebuild her…stronger, faster…” and wondering where she might be able to find those Gauthier cone bras that Madonna wore in the 90s are all ways of her making light of the uncomfortable feeling she has on her chest.  I know it is her way of coping.  I think she didn’t want to watch the chemo / hormone therapy tape last night because she purposely wanted me to just tell it like it is.  That tape was like a movie both of us dreaded watching, but was a real thinking video which made us realize how much thought we/she is/are going to have to put into the treatment plan.

Chemo would be a drag.  She has gotten almost all of her energy back and her desire to take back some of the responsibilities that I had taken over are there.  The chemo would seriously be a setback so we’ll see tomorrow.  All signs point to no chemo, but I think we’ll breathe an even heavier sigh once that option comes out of the mouth of her oncologist.

Tonight she got a call from her OB/GYN, the one who discovered the cancer.  This is what medicine used to be.  Your doctor calling to see how you are doing out of the blue.  It had been a while and since my wife self-referred herself to a different medical group for surgery and oncology, she hadn’t been as visible to everything as she normally would have.  She is getting her records which is a good thing as we wanted to make sure that she knew where my wife was in the process.

The call made my wife smile as did the email from her old colleague who has been seeing the same oncologist ,that she will be going to, for the last 3 years.  Her colleague said that she lived quietly with cancer for the last 3 years and was now just ready to let it out.  She wanted to share her story like everyone else as long as she could affect or convince someone else to go get tested.  My wife said she also saw a special today on Robin Roberts in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month and she too said it was time to make a difference.  My wife said she wants to make a difference and she is going to figure how at work, at home, and in the community.  She said cancer prevention and detection is her belief and even if she didn’t have a religion, fighting cancer would be it.

Amen.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Turning the corner – One Month after Surgery

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“The Longest Month Ever”

I gave my wife a kiss and told her it has been a crazy month since her surgery and she looked at me and said, “Its only been a month?  Wow, it is the longest month ever!”  I agree that it seems like we have come so far in a month.

Things continue to evolve emotionally and physically.  Yesterday while at the clinic she ran into an old co-worker.  They hugged and sobbed as soon as they saw each other there.  They hadn’t seen each other in 7 years, but they had a new bond and have already shared their stories with each other as well as numerous emails.  Having someone she personally knows going through it with her at the same age is a comforting thing for her.  It’s all the little things now.  Even yesterday when the Plastic Surgeon stood back, took a look and said, “I think it will all come out nice”, she took a mental note.  “Nice” isn’t always the most glamorous of words to describe something in a positive manner, but it worked for her.

Today was also a day we had been waiting for.  She finally heard an indication of what the test results said about her chance of recurrence for cancer.  This is an important outcome as it indicated the type of treatment plan you should follow with your oncologist.  When she called me at work, I picked up the phone with trepidation.  It was like the day she called to tell me she had cancer and I rushed home.   Those aren’t fun calls.  The day she called to tell me that my dad wasn’t breathing was just the same.  As I picked up the phone she said, “I hope you are free on Saturday as you and your son qualified for the Northern CA Family golf tourney in the 2nd flight!”  It was good news!  Not the news I was expecting but it was great and our son was going to be happy.  We talked for a few more minutes and then she continued, “Oh and the Dr. wrote me an email saying my scores came back low for recurrence”.

First I was  happy and could feel her smiling through the phone.  Then the psychologist in me said, “Wait, she gave you news about a golf tournament before she told you about her breast cancer”  I asked her if everything was alright and she said she felt like she was turning a corner and ready to get through this thing.

We watched a 45 minute video tonight to help us with her decisions she is going to have to make regarding her treatments.  Is it hormonal therapy, chemotherapy, both, or none? The clinic is pretty hands off and likes to let each person make their own decision so it is good to get educated. I told her that I was pro-choice on this and I didn’t want my own feeling to get in the way if she wanted to make the decision alone, but it is hard to look at your own health as one big statistic.  We haven’t made many decisions without each other for 22 years and she wasn’t about to start now.

So the oncology meeting is in a couple days.  We think they are going to tell her chemo is not really going to be beneficial and that Tamoxifen a hormonal therapy treatment with side effects will be her best plan, but who knows.  It is more of a sit and wait game again, but this time the wait is going to not be so stressful and the next month will go even faster.